The most hated people in the world

On the plane on the way to Australia I watched the documentary "The Most Hated Family in America", which was enlightening if utterly frustrating, and inspired me to start a cult if I ever get that old.

However there are more hated people in the world than the assorted Phelpses. The most despised people on the planet are the crowd security that the Melbourne Cricket Ground on Boxing Day.

It's a December 26th tradition, this year 70,000 people went to the closest thing Australia has to Mecca to watch the Australian cricket team play the Indian team (by the time I got to posting this, the game was over, Australia victorious). Each year there are new rules imposed on spectators, last year the Mexican Wave was banned, this year you could be ejected for any suggestion of racial impropriety. And in charge of enforcing the doctrine of no fun are the lime-green vested MCG Security. Apparently there were 150 ejections, not sure if that was a record.

The first ejection I saw was at 11:25am. Pretty impressive, the game started at 10:30, so this guy managed to make it somehow through one entire seventh of the game before getting tossed. I think it was for inflating a beach ball. If you were brave enough to inflate a beach ball, the lime vests were armed with ball-point pens, the natural enemy of the beach ball. Some of the better showmen took a bow after deflating the archnemesis of enjoying a sporting event.

Ejections were also made for making towers of beer cups, standing up and waving your hands, and running out on to the field wearing an Indian flag. But my favorite was the punishment reserved for starting the apparently-not-a-racially-improper-title Mexican wave.

Ejections for starting, ejections for encouraging (stand up at your peril), and as soon as it started, a sign went up on the big screen (I tried to photo it, but couldn't get focused on the sign for some reason).

"For the safety and comfort of spectators, the Mexican Wave has been banned. Patrons found encouraging the wave will be subject to ejection".

Somehow, I was one of the few who made it to the end of the day without feeling the wrath of the lime jackets. But I salute you, men, and maybe if I have a mid-life crisis and decide on a few more changes of career, maybe I can join!

Roadside Assistance, Australian style.

There are some great advantages to living in the US. One is roadside assistance. The Bastardmobile is pretty reliable, but my previous car, the seatless wonder, was a Saturn well past the use-by date and required regular jump-starting, pulling out of ditches and if you're too drunk to drive, the 100 miles of towing that comes with AAA Plus is cheaper than taxis. However the Melbourne equivlalent, RACV, I believe operates two roadside assistance vans for the entire state of Victoria.

Last night, Richard the Bastard and I were on our way back from Melbourne, and the car would not start. Tried getting a jump start off of a passing random person, but no luck. Roadside assistance time, 9:45pm, Friday night.

It could be up to two hours.

There was some kind of rave going on in an abandoned flour mill (where I used to work) nearby. They had attack dogs guarding the place, I guess they let you in if you had the right color of glowstick.

At 10:30 there was a power outage. So much for the rave.

Called again, 11:55pm. Yes, we're still on the waiting list. Probably another 45 minutes. "It's taking a while, it's kind of icky out".

Power came back on again at 12:30 am. Nice hazy glow.

1:15 am. Here's roadside assistance. Tests the battery, battery is messed up. Uses the superjumper (turned up to 20V) - we're in action. You're going to need a new battery when you get back, but provided you don't stall or anything on the way home, you should be OK.

Guess who you need to call to get a new battery... the waiting continus.

Bye bye Bastard

Things have been quiet on the George the Bastard front lately, though last night we started discussing some plans for next year's Feral Chihuahuas season, could be a few new Chihuahuas but familiar faces if all goes well. I'm working on a new act for a vaudeville show that Elizabeth is putting together that should be a riot, and writing for a new character.

However right now I'm in Asheville regional airport, grooving on the freeternet available here and getting ready to head to my comedy roots - my first performances were at Melbourne University in 1988 as part of a show called Shag Pile, which eventually became the name of our two-man sketch comedy act (forever known for brushing each other's teeth on TV to the tune of "Duelling Banjos"). The other half of Shag Pile is now a webmeister and comedy writer, as well as one of the personas in the way way underground band New Horizons in Violence.

It's going to be good to be back. I've never performed in Australia as George the Bastard, so I'm hopefully going to hit up an open mic night or find anyone who remembers me for a spot somewhere.

What the pedophiles are watching, extreme edition

3am television continues to be brilliant, and lately MSNBC has been stepping up to serve the prime pedophile demographic by airing repeats and re-edits of "To Catch a Predator", and mixing it in with "Serial Killers - Jeffrey Dahmer", featuring an interview with Dahmer and his father taken a few weeks before he was killed in prison. Excellent 3am fodder.

Ashevegas made his Golden Compass Daemon, so I figured I'd give it a shot too... hey look, I'm a ferret, who would have thunk!

What insomniac pedophiles are watching

There was competition for the pedophile insomniac viewer at 4am today.

ESPN2 was showing the finals of the World Cheerleading Tournament. Yet another "world" tournament where a U.S. team is guaranteed a win. Spandex-clad teenagers became a blur, however I would like to point out that an often overlooked profession has to be the helpful gents at the corners who would step on to the big blue mat when the all-girls teams would attempt flips and throws, then make discreet exits when they went back to spinning and posturing. I salute you, cheerleader lumberjacks.

At the same time, WGN was showing an episode of The Steve Wilkos Show, entitled "I live under a bridge" (cool - a show about trolls!). Not classy enough for Springer? How about appearing on a show hosted by his bodyguard, the largest man with the least hair in recorded history. He came to the rescue of a mother with three small children who was living under a bridge in some unnamed city since their father was in jail for transporting illegals. She showed Steve the blanket they used to sleep on until it rained, and the trash can they get their meals from. If it was empty, it was a three-mile walk to the nearest trashcan. Steve loved getting cuddles from these three boys (seriously, Steve, they've been living under a bridge for a month, I'd get tetanus shots before touching these angelic-looking tow-headed kids). He also got a kick out of confronting the father in jail, offering him helpful advice like "Don't do things that cause you to get arrested and go to jail", and "I'm going to take your wife with me and find somewhere safe for her". Way to grab the sloppy seconds, Steve.

I've got to start watching the Steve Wilkos Show more often. If "The George The Bastard" show gets off the ground, I would have asked the mother which child she liked the least. Those boys would probably have fetched a few grand each, and that would get her enough crack until she could buy a new blanket.

My favorite part of the Steve Wilkos website... Do you know someone who is an unfit parent and want Steve to set them strait? Call Mary at 877-836-3419 orEmail Us ! (Here's the link)

The Bastard on the Bus

Richard the Bastard took some pictures of the Thanksgiving show with LaZoom.

Here is the set of photos on flickr.

The day the trivia died

Unhappy bastard.

Asheville Pizza and Brewing have pulled the plug on Buzztime (formerly NTN) trivia.

This annoys a bastard - after a long day of being a miserable sod, I want to spend my evening at a bar, not talking to anyone, pressing buttons on a little space-age device to show that I know more random rubbish than my fellow sociopaths on barstools near and far. I spend enough time there that my paycheck from work is direct-deposited to my bar tab.

Please bring back the trivia. I beg you. Don't make me pick up my pewtery mug and go home. Or to MacKells.

Turkey leftovers dwindling

The LaZoom shows were great, and the people there were a lot of fun to work with. Hopefully this won't be the last of the bastard and the bus.

Thanks for everyone who came out - great crowds. I'd never done a show like this before, and the debut of the new George the Bastard costume went over really well. There's some photos of the Thursday show, so watch this space once I get them off the camera. For those of you unable to make it to the show, it was something really different. I stayed on the bus for the whole tour, while Liz and Jay got on and off at different times as different characters (the girl with the lost pet, the Inuit comedian, the crazy cat lady and so on). I nearly lost it at seeing Liz with the shawl on with the cat sitting on the bridge over the interstate.

Fridays was probably a smoother show than Thursday, and another great crowd.

Next show... up in the air at the moment - we're working on getting the DVD together, some planning for the upcoming massive next season of the Feral Chihuahuas. Watch this space!

The belt tightens

As a result of Asheville Brewing Company raising the price of a pint of beer by a quarter, I am going to be forced to cut breakfasts.

Nouveau Night 2007

After a meeting to finalize the LaZoom performances next week, I went to the Asheville Downtown Association's annual fundraiser "Nouveau Night" last night at the ballroom at the Haywood Park hotel. I had not been to one before, I've heard some good and some bad, but my bastard gut reminded me all through last night that I definitely ate and drank my money's worth.

There were six Beaujolais wines on offer, most of which were good, one was excellent, but I forgot to bring a notepad to get the names. Hopefully the labels will jog the memory if I get them again. It was an impressive set up with a circle of alternating food/wine tables. Most of the food was delicious, and a few of the restaurants I haven't been to really impressed me.

Sugo (warning, annoying flash loading page) had antipasto skewers of decent-sized chunks of mozzarella, chorizo, olives, prosciutto and roasted peppers, as well as a sweet potato gnocchi. The sauce with the gnocchi was mushroomy goodness.

Vincenzo's had a yummy stuffed chicken dish.

The Lobster Trap had a nice thick lobster bisque

Ed Boudreaux had two types of pate, which was an interesting selection from them. I'm not usually much for pate, but it is nice with red wine.

On the desserty side, I can't remember who had the 3 billion calorie truffles, but thank you for them.

Ultimate Ice Cream had a cinnamon gelato. I love gelato, and to make it even better, conveniently close was World Coffee Cafe with some sufficiently caffeinated dark roasty goodness.

Very well organized, and there was not much of a wait for anything. I'll be back next year for sure.

Bastard branching out

More busy times for the bastard these days, but I always like a new challenge, particularly one that involves writing.

Picked up the Asheville City Paper teaser yesterday, there's a call for freelance writers. I'm going to submit a few samples to them and see if they want some local comedic input that isn't political satire.

Starting next week, I'm a contributor to the Times for the Times blog. Nothing says bastard more than bi-weekly analysis of British crosswords.

Got your ticket for LaZoom yet? There's a very good chance that you will hear the bastard sing!



Anyone interested in trying out No Shame Theater on Saturday night? I've got a few half-formed (probably more half-baked) ideas I'd like to run by a test audience.

Get your tickets now for LaZoom + Feral Chihuahuas

They've hidden it well on their website, but you can now book tickets for the Thanksgiving shows.

This is going to be the most insane LaZoom tour ever - we recommend it for people over the age of 18, and elderly relatives you've had enough of.

Need a laugh on Thanksgiving?

LaZoom are doing some very special Asheville tours over the Thanksgiving weekend (they haven't updated their webage yet, but they're also doing something for the holiday parade this upcoming weekend.

Yes - on Thanksgiving day and on the day after Thanksgiving, LaZoom meets George the Bastard, Jay Becknell and Elizabeth Taylor of the Feral Chihuahuas. Get some local knowledge into your turkey-filled bellies and find out what happens when the comedy minds of LaZoom and the Feral Chihuahuas come together.

I'll have details on tickets and times ASAP. Check this bloggy space.

Japanese video game incongruity

OK, this cracked me up when I saw it. You've got to love Japanese video games and their kooky missions

Will I be able to find the medication for Shion?

Piss-poor drivers for Ron Paul

Add to the list of indicators of poor driving, the Ron Paul sticker. Last two cars who have tried to knock me off the bastard bike and one very impressive act of driving right down the middle of a two-lane road at 5 miles below the speed limit yesterday have all boasted the Ron Paul 08 sticker of poor quality driving.

Yesterday's car scores the double for the Florida tag as well.

George the Bastards list of things that indicate bad drivers

- driver is wearing a hat (other than a baseball cap)
- Quebec registration tag ("Je me souviens" is Quebecois for "Turn without warning")
- Ron Paul sticker
- Florida tag
- Nissan Sentras
- Fraternal Order of Police sticker

anyone got any others?

Monday already, even with the time change?

Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows this weekend.

Friday 9pm show - I'm sorry for those who didn't get tickets, those who waited patiently in the "maybe will call", and those that left. We needed one person to be point for the tickets, and it wound up with a lot of hassles. I'm looking into paypal or some other method of ticket collection for the next time we have a ticketed show and have to do our own tickets.

Show was good, been a long time since I've had to remember that many lines (this is a little easier with lines I wrote, but I am still terrible at remembering lines). We got going surprisingly on time.

Friday 10:30(ish) show - this is when the creatures come out. One of the rowdiest audiences in a long time! Stand-up set went over better the second time round (laughs help me remember jokes) - I was flying without a net for both shows since I'd left my book of cues at home. Loved the reaction to Cyrano de Bastard, which is my favorite thing I've written in a long time.

Revoluticon on Saturday - what a weird show. The post-apocalyptic shell of the former Best Western that is now a Sheraton in the making was the oddest venue. With all the renovation going on, there were no bathrooms, so one of the rooms (223) was opened up to be the restroom. There was a huge pile of chairs tossed in the parking lot, since it was only the first day of the convention I guess the hotel decided to get it out of the way and trash itself. Got there to find up there was nowhere to set up or change, so snuck off to drink heavily before the show. Once we got going it was a good show, funny crowd - I blew one line in my stand-up but got some good laughs.

So what is next? We're looking at doing something special arounf Thanksgiving, watch this space.

Feral Chihuahuas Tonight!

We're on for tonight at 35 Below with the second last Halloween Special of the year (Damn you, Simpsons for being later than us).

Thanks to the Citizen Times for the mention.

Tickets are still available ($10) - first show at 9, second show at 10:30 (ish). Here's what you'll get

- Stand-up with George the Bastard
- Six hilarious new sketches
- Spooky video sequences in Feralvision
- "The Halloween Carol 2007" - our traditional Charles Dickens parody showstopper.

And a chance for your laughter to be featured on the Feral Chihuahuas DVD and TV show.

Bastard tradition

One of my most pleasant Halloween traditions.

Go to Walmart late at night, unshaven and unwashed, in dirty jeans.

Get a packet of razor blades, some apples and some candy

Choose the oldest, crustiest checkout chick

Smile evilly.

This Friday - new Feral Chihuahuas show

If any of the approved posters at blogasheville don't mind, a cross-post would be cool.

Hot off the heels of a successful two-night run with the Rebelles, the Feral Chihuahuas are back at it with a better late than never Halloween extravaganza at 35 Below.

Stand-up with George the Bastard opens.

Smart bastard!

Great to see a full crowd at the Friday show. Great show, awesome fight, lots of beer, Friday well spent.

The London Times put up the sudoku puzzles used at the World Sudoku championships. You can download them here (warning, it's a broadsheet PDF prepared for A4 and it's huge, email me if you want jpegs of the puzzle pages). Over lunch today I had a stab at the championship puzzle. Winner's time, 12 minutes, 45 seconds. George the Bastard time, 14 minutes 30 seconds.

First rehearsal tonight for the upcoming 35 Below show. Get your $10 tickets at Eaties, Wink or at the door (or email - georgethebastard at gmail.com and I'll save some for you). It's going to be good to be back in the chihuahuas saddle again.

And sold out!

Both Rebelles shows are now sold out. Asheville is going to be funny and naughty tonight and tomorrow night - ooh la la.

See you there tonight, lucky ticketholders!

More onslaught - Rebelles show tonight

Nice little write-up in the Asheville Citizen-Times Take 5.

Hurry, hurry - there are still a few tickets left!!! Order online from the Grey Eagle.

Hope to see lots of you there tonight.

Feral Chihuahuas Media Onslaught!

I'm pleased to see the upcoming shows getting a bit of press (admittedly, we're piggybacking on the notoriety of the last show of the Rebelles).

Mountain X has a story on the show and the Rebelles (and a picture where if you look very carefully you can see George the Bastard near the middle back)

Out In Asheville mentions the show as well and has some nice things to say about the Chihuahuas

I was told last night there was an article in the Laurel of Asheville, but I can't find it, not sure if the November issue is out yet.

But I'm most pleased when we pop up on the strangest sites.

Thank you ncgoth.com!

But my favorite is definitely the mention at VampireFreaks!

Hope to see some of you at the show on Friday.

Bastard Movie review: "Across the Universe"

"Cranky" Ken Hanke rated this movie 5 stars

George "The" Bastard rates this movie "get a guarantee of sex before going in"

Somewhere, sometime, a filmmaker watched "Hair" and thought "This film would be so much better if it had a happy ending and was all told in Beatles songs with contrived characters". It's a glorious train wreck, two hours of disaster upon disaster. It would have made a rather tight five minute play without the songs, basically if there was a line that could have been a line from a Beatles song, rather than just doing the line, let's do the whole song!

Evan Rachel Wood is funny trying to look like Bridget Fonda. T. V. Carpio has the misfortune of wandering through the movie without any point to her character, and the camera focusing squarely on a mole on her lip.

The only redeeming few minutes is Eddie Izzard, named Mr Kite for obvious reasons, who has a fixed expression of "Get me through this scene and out of this silly movie" through his one scene. Finally something has been found that Eddie Izzard is embarrassed to do.

Bye bye Joey

Haven't had much to update on, but just heard about the death of the last of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop, at 89. And end of an era and an excust for a bourbon-based lunch.

Working on sketches for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas show, November 2nd, which is going to be great. We're premiering the new version of the Halloweenmas Carol (looks like I'm still playing the Bruce of Halloween Past), but I'm excited about my first poetic masterpiece (unless you count the Zombie Slam poem) in years - Cyrano de Bastard.

Next Feral Chihuahuas show

Busy Feral Chihuahuas have four shows in eight days coming up soon.

October 26-27 at the Grey Eagle with the Rebelles. George the Bastard free shows - there will be no George the Bastard onstage guaranteed (I'll be in the audience on the 26th).

November 2 at 35 Below. $10. Shows at 9pm and 10:30(ish) pm. George the Bastard stands up to open. Looks like there'll be three brand-new George the Bastard sketches at this show.

November 3 at Revoluticon. $15 for a day pass to the con gets you a day of festivities followed by a special sci-fi themed Feral Chihuahuas performance.

If anyone reading feels like cross-posting to BlogAsheville, I'll be in danger of losing my trophy.

Fire Truck!

Seen on I-240 yesterday. Sorry to anyone who was stuck behind it.

Just Announced

It's bigger, badder, and more chronologcally irrelevant than ever before.

The Feral Chihuahuas Present: "The Halloweenmas Carol 2007".

35 Below (under Asheville Community Theatre), Friday November 2nd.

First show 9pm, second show 10:15pm (ish).

$10.

• Stand-up comedy to open with George "The" Bastard
  
• New sketches featuring the Feral Chihuahuas
  
• Grand finale of the all new "Halloweenmas Carol 2007"

Watch this space for ticket details.

Upcoming bastardry

I've taken a bit of a break from the funny for a the last two weeks. I thought I had a stand-up spot lined up in Atlanta for this weekend, but it fell through, which is probably for the best, I can work on things in Asheville.

The Feral Chihuahuas and the Rebelles are presenting a Halloween Extravaganza! This is a full collaboration between the two groups, with a complete script featuring comedy and burlesque at its finest. Tickets are $20, and they will go fast. October 26 and 27 are the dates. I am not performing at this show (I'll be in the audience on the 26th) which is an added bonus.

I'm writing new material for our next set of Feral Chihuahuas shows. Stay tuned for dates, times and venues.

The Feral Chihuahuas TV show and DVD are being worked on by the uber-tech wizard Wyman Tannehill. Most of this is coming from the shows at 35 Below, but there's some new stuff we're filming for the final product. The Ferals will be flatter than ever before!

I started writing something a little different for the bastard that I hope to premiere at No Shame Theatre on October 27. I really like the idea, and I'm going to give it another go - last time I was pissed off that they got my name wrong, and the lighting guy jumped the cue and cut the lights before the end of the sketch. If you've always wanted to be in a George "The" Bastard sketch, come along and act for me.

Watch this space for the next installment of R U Funny Asheville.

Breaking news - anti-abortion protesters behind bars

Just saw this update on the Citizen-Times website.

These guys are awesome! I can't believe they didn't have posters of their little abortions wrapped around quarters to sell. Last time I saw them set up, I got a little card table, a coathanger and a bicycle pump and a sign saying "Abortions While U Wait". Good times.

Touched by a van

My new most dangerous spot for cyclists in Asheville - the parking lot outside Caffiend. There's almost enough room to swing a small car in and out of those spots, heaven forbid an old van versus a fat bastard on a little silver bike.

Sorry to report that both I and the bastard bike are OK, but it's fun to push against a van while you're riding.

Welcome to the now AWARD WINNING!!! blog of the Bastard. I was quickly whisked off the stage by the "Get off the stage" music and didn't get to complete my speech that I had written in anticipation of being justly awarded "Least Likely to Make Money by Blogging", which I now reproduce in its entirety.

I would like to thank everyone who voted, but there really isn't any point. I thoroughly deserve this award. Actually, it's an embarrassment to be considered in the same lack of depth with the losers in this category, who clearly stand to make far more money than I from this blogging of which you speak. Take Brainshrub for example, nothing but banner ads and PayPal links. It is well known that Easy Bake Coven is just a front for identity theft, and over at Modern Peasant the first thing that hits you is an ad to buy a book. I must confess that Susan From the Right is my alter-ego, which should be obvious from our blogs having exactly the same layout, and So Much For Tact almost gave me a run for the money in this category, however made the vital mistake of being funny and readable.

So suffer in your underwear, losers. There can only be one truly pathetic, unable-to-cash-in blogger and it's me. All me. Don't bother hanging around for the rest of the awards, this is the climax. Thank me.

(if you would like to prove me wrong and book the bastard to bring down the mood of your next event - email georgethebastard at gmail.com for details)

As for the rest of the evening, it was fun to meet people and put faces to names. Excellent venue, gracious hosts, and a rather nice sulfuric acid drink donated by Bruisin' Ales. For those detractors, there's something refreshing about vaguely peachy flatulence in the morning to go with your cinnamon buns.

Shiny and New Jersey

Greetings from a slow scab internet connection in beautiful Hackensack, Newish Jersey. I didn't bring my camera with me, but I think what North Carolina needs to learn from New Jersey is the importance of shiny diners. We have restaurants, we even have diners, but we don't have shiny diners and that's a shame. There needs to be an element of traffic hazard in food options. And nothing says "good food" inside like chrome plating. I like to think that before installation, these diners were dipped into a vat of chromic acid and electroplated, then lifted up by a crane to be placed within inches of a major roadway. And you can check your hair before entering. Hair is not allowed to be out of place in New Jersey, but that's OK, most shiny diners have pomade stations immediately upon entry.

Spot the bastard!

I find it impressive that I can come out looking like the scary one in a picture with John Waters. This was taken after his talk at UNCA on September 19.

Brewgrass the 11th

And my eighth. Woke myself up out of the funk I've been in since Jonathan passed, and headed to the mecca for an awesome day, I really needed that fun.

Can't even begin to describe how well things were set up this year. I rarely had to wait in line for a beer and although the lines were long, the new ticketing system appears to have worked. I did the print-at-home tickets, and was scanned straight in after about 25 minutes in line at 12:28. The food selection was a notch up from previous years, and there was room a plenty.

Ran into many many friends, didn't see many of the blog set. I remembered my camera this time, and since I'm not usually one for taking a lot of photos, I ran wild.

here's my flickr set of brewgrass

Au revoir, friend of the bastard

After a year-long battle with leukemia, my very good friend Jonathan Hollis checked out this morning. I'm making up a flickr set of some of our odder moments, but here's one that sums him up pretty well.

Jonathan Hollis - 7/11/1980 - 9/21/2007

Some of the "You Suck" set

I'm procrastinating tonight, and thinking about the John Waters autograph made me want to go back to some of my favorites in the "You suck" set of autographs. Here's the one that started it all, the mighty, legendary Corn Mo.


Got to love Corn Mo, pity my sharpie smudged a little.

I'll spare the space, but here's some more

Neil Hamburger

Mad Tea Party

As I get more scanned, I'll put them in my Flickr "You Suck" set.

Get your tickets!

The Halloween show with the Rebelles is on October 26 and 27. I am not appearing in the show, but have had a hand in writing it, and this is going to be one wild, funny, sexy show!

Get your tickets ($20) at the Grey Eagle website or from one of the ticket venues (Orbit DVD, Harvest Records or the Grey Eagle itself). These shows will sell out!

Still reeling from the John Waters experience last night. I'd read his books, seen his movies, and got a chance to share a quick quip. What a guy - he was all over the loving from the fans and patiently signed anything brought up to him. There's a picture of the two of us that will hopefully appear on this space soon. I loved the suggestions of civil disobedience, his take on how to treat politicians who are against gay marriage, and his Larry Craig material was pretty close to mine, which I'll take as a compliment.

Alice in Chains is playing at Thomas Wolfe? WTF? Are the opening acts going to be the Doors, T-Rex and Queen?

Who knows that George the Bastard sucks?

Latest addition to the list of famous people who agree that George "The" Bastard sucks: John Waters.

Exciting week for bastards

What a week it is for Asheville. I picked the wrong week to go on a beer purge (in anticipation of Saturday I vow to not drink any beer this week). I have a few good opportunities to add to my "You suck" collection of CDs and DVDs autographed with "You suck".

Wednesday night is the John Waters lecture. I hope he'll write "You suck" on my DVD of "Serial Mom".

Friday night is the Girl Talk concert at the Orange Peel. I'll be the guy in the audience who is 10 years older than everyone else in the crowd, but the same age as the ultra-awesome opening act that is Dan Deacon. I hope he'll have his new CD for sale and will write "You suck" on it for me.

Saturday is Brewgrass. Glad I got my ticket well in advance, if I was really thinking I would have gotten some more, the scalp value on them at the moment would cover all that I spent at the Smashing Pumpkins shows.

And I'd like to thank everyone who nominated me for nothing at the BlogAsheville awards. They don't have a "worst blog" award, which is the only one I'd want. Congratulations in advance to those who were nominated and will lose. It takes a lot of effort to be not quite the best in anything and I salute you.

R U Funny Asheville

Well, a small but appreciative audience came out to Caffiend last night for the first R U Funny Asheville. We had five open-micers, all of them were very funny - coffee was drunk, prizes were distributed and many people went for beer later. Woot. I tried out some new material that worked well. I think Larry Craig jokes will have a reasonably long shelf life - what a bastard!

There was enough encouragement that R U Funny Asheville will be back - this time properly promoted. I'm thinking of a scheduled of every two to three weeks on a Saturday night, have to look and see which Saturdays I'm in town.

The funniest thing by far this week on TV was Seth Green on "The Soup". They were parodying this youtube video



This guy is going to get a TV show well before me. Anyway, here is the hysterical Seth Green parody.

Seth Green Chris Crocker Outtakes

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Seth Green, you are the bastard of all bastards. And I loved your interview in The Onion's AV Club.

Intractably difficult crosswords redux

I was checking over the answers to the Times Jumbo crossword from two weeks ago (the solutions come two weeks later), and I was a little curious as to why the crossword had a Beatrix Potter theme. The answer to 1 across was Beatrix Potter and several of the other answers were Beatrix Potter characters. A little googling later, I found a solvers blog entry agreeing that there didn't really seem to be a chronological reason for a Beatrix Potter puzzle.

It didn't mention that among the Beatrix Potter answers, there was also X-RATED, HOT TUB, OPIUM DEN, BELLY BUTTON and MANHATTAN PROJECT. A nice mix of words.

The Times Crossword blog had a link to another log for people solving the Listener crossword.

I shall soon be a shut-in.

R U Funny Asheville - tonight!!

It's going on, and it'll be a fun time. 9pm, Caffiend.

So far - at least four stand-up acts, some of them first-timers, will be gunning for prizes and fame.

George "The" Bastard will be hosting, debuting some new stand-up material, and there to encourage and humiliate.

All acts will be judged by our panel of highly-caffeinated experts.

And it's all FREE!

If you want to get in on performing, drop me an email - georgethebastard squiggle gmail.com

Blogging on location

I'm blogging covertly from the secret location of the scriptwriting meeting for the Rebelles/Feral Chihuahuas show. If anyone notices what I'm doing I'll be in trouble. This is going to be a Good Show, despite my participation.

The Gloom That Is

Been in Raleigh for bizarro second job. This part of the state is in love with traffic.

R U Funny Asheville is still set to go for Saturday but so far the response has been underwhelming. This is what happens when I promote my own thing, I guess. I got the day wrong on most of the flyers, I was waiting on the OK for the flyers but never got it so I had them printed and sent out. I'm far from a professional writer (gag writers don't need to worry about spelling) and I'm hopeless at proofreading my own stuff.

But if you want a laugh on Saturday night, or some coffee, or want to try your hand at stand-up, Caffiend at 9pm is the place for you! Prizes for being funny, prizes for not being funny.

And now to play with the traffic that Raleigh loves so much.

My new green card

Is not green, it's a kind of pasty-yellowy color. There is a green strip on the back, but it may be that Homeland Security have finally eliminated the greenness of the cards.

LAAFF

Very odd but fun day at LAAFF that has left me with a hoarse voice. Thanks to Elliot and Jim - Elliot managed to take my natural lack of beauty and transform me into something truly horrific and Jim did a great job with the posters and setup of the "Soil a Zombie" booth. "Soil a Zombie" was set up next to a stage that was mostly slam poetry. I took in a few hours of slam poetry, which I think is best delivered in very small doses of say a third of a poem at the time. I was inspired to write my zombie slam poem, as performed by George the Zombie at the underground arts stage.

"I am a sensitive zombie" - by George the Zombie

9/11. Afghanistan. Iraq. Maybe Iran.
It gets so crowded in my grave
The sacrifices the young men gave
This is not my government.
I used to be underground unfound I astound, around, screams abound unbound. Turn around I found a thousand lies and untruths
It's enough to make you wish you were alive.
But I am not alive. I am not dead. I have no soul. I am a sensitive zombie.
I will eat your brains.
And hate myself for it.

The guys with the eight-foot spitball shooters were really annoying. I got pinged twice on a zombie parade. Maybe they were fans of comedy. I felt sorry for the Oxymorons having to perform with one mic in the middle of the street, but they had the crowd eventually. The PETA guy with the cage of chickens had very little sense of humor, which in a way worked while I was eating his flyer. I rather enjoyed the Laugh Out Loud ale made by French Broad for the festival, it was a good outside-drinking beer.

Virally Advertise This

I'm not very good at promotion, but here goes nothing...

Small-cast Feral Chihuahuas for free this weekend

Hopefully, lots of you are going to descend upon LAAFF.
It's usually a good time, I particularly like going to the art cars and trying to sneak Starbucks labels on them. The Feral Chihuahuas will be performing at the Soil A Zombie booth, hidden away in the corpse of the Vincent's Ear courtyard. We'll be doing zombie sketches, and there's going to be the world's only zombie stand-up comic, George the Zombie. He'll make you laugh, he'll make you groan, and he'll eat your brains.

Bastard Fantasy Football League

I love fantasy sports. Nothing is more bastardy than fantasy sports, particularly those that do the "Elite Leagues" and practically call the players the night before the game. If I was a pro-athlete, and it's really an administrative oversight that I am not, I would troll fantasy sports leagues to see who had me, and if I did something bad or stupid, I'd call and email those who had me in their league to make fun of them for putting imaginary faith in me.

But the Onion has *OUTDONE* itself!

The Onion's "Shattered Expectations" Fantasy Football League.

Come on Bastards, let's play Fantasy Football. I've created a league

League name: Feral Chihuahuas
Password: bastard

Message from Jenny Bowen

Got this in email last night from Jenny. The Feral Chihuahuas sat for her initial "Faces of Asheville" project, and I admire her determination. I can't think of anything artistic I can contribute, I doubt scripts of Feral Chihuahuas shows (yes, there are scripts) will attract much. Maybe I should auction off a promise that I won't do my routine in front of you.

Email excerpt follows.

Kitty Love of the Lexington Ave Arts Festival was so wonderful as to fit me in last second into a shared booth at the festival this weekend. I am hoping to do a silent auction of art and services donated by the community which will benefit starting the project over.

I know many of you out there are incredibly talented members of the community - I am asking you, if at all possible, to consider donating something for the auction.

If you are a musician consider donating a couple CDs or performance tickets -
If you are an artist a few sketches, a painting, a piece of jewelry or pottery -
If you are an author a copy of your book -
If you provide a service perhaps a voucher or discount coupon -
Anything that you might see fit to donate back into the community in hopes of benefiting the whole community through reviving this worthwhile project.

This project will not be able to rise again with out YOUR help!

The Lexington Ave Arts Festival takes place THIS Sunday September 9^th in downtown Asheville from 11am to 10pm. It's going to be a wonderful jolly time of Asheville heritage, arts, crafts, and fun!! The silent auction will take place all day and winners will be contacted Sunday after the festival closes.
There will also be sign-ups for interested parties to participate in the next photo-sessions for the project & free cereal will be provided by Eaties Cereal Bar!

All donations for the silent auction should be dropped off at Eaties Cereal Bar in downtown Asheville by this Saturday at 9pm. Please include a business card (or other relevant contact info) and what you would normally value your donation at.

Immigration of a nation

The last of my paperwork came through this morning - I have now officially changed status and am an immigrant.

It's been an intriguing trip in general, what I'm looking forward to the most is next time I travel overseas, I can use the slim, streamlined "U.S. Only" corrals at customs and passport check. There are few more lonely than the internationals, the non-immigrants standing looking forlornly at the empty lines and open booths that are not for them. Soon I will be grinningly stupid at the non-immigrants as I breeze back into the country. Ha ha to you.

R U Funny Asheville is on September 16, 9pm at Caffiend - flyers and posters are in production. Sign up for a five-minute stand-up spot or just come along to laugh, drink coffee and have a good time.

A return to levity!

New Feral Chihuahuas video: Roadkill L'amour

Roadkill L'Amour

Add to My Profile | More Videos

News that touches even the heart of a bastard

I have very few soft spots (maybe some patches where I've been hit more often than others), but the story of Cameron Underwood touched a nerve. At about the same time as one of my best friends found out he had leukemia, and I changed a large amount of my life to be a good friend and spend as much time in Philadelphia as possible helping him out, I followed the story of Cameron's recovery from a brain tumor, his return to school and to NC State at the same time as learning a lot about leukemia, hospitals, patience and treatments. It's rough to be sitting in the bone marrow word in Philadelphia and read the end of Cameron's story.
Tough break for someone who by all accounts was a decent, hardworking guy.

Good news/bad news

Good: I did a fiendish level sudoku without resorting to pencil marks and made no mistakes. I'm a smart bastard when hung over.
Bad: Michael Jackson is dead. Any other fans out there?

Thanks, BlogAsheville

I love voting for myself in the Mountain Xpress Best of WNC. Vote for me (pity there's no "most offensive stand-up comedian" section).

Reasons to get up today

• I passed the first test on my online course. 80%, which was exactly the grade required to move on. There are multiple choice questions on ethics ideas, I lost 10% for answering "No" to the questions "Students are expected to appreciate and enjoy all assignments required of them" (ignoring that this is not a question, it's a statement).
• In trying to write new material for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas/Rebelles show I came up with a rapidly rejected idea that haunted me all through the night. Trick or treating at a hospital. Kids (maybe those adorable dying ones that you see on hospital drama shows) in little costumes, walking around with their IVs, to the morgue where the coroner takes time out of an autopsy to compliment them on their costumes and give them candy.
• I promise something funnier than that for the show
• There will still be a Feral Chihuahuas presence at LAAFF, but it may be just me doing the zombie stand with Jim and Elliot. Still come and laugh.
• Personal to the guy who leaned out of the truck and tried to push me off the bastard bike while overtaking me on Broadway yesterday afternoon. It's not my fault you have a tiny penis further hidden by that gut that prevented you leaning far enough out the window from getting me. If incidents like this are helping you get through the day, end it now.

You never stop learning, I guess.

Bastard U is in session. Today I started my road to academic recovery by taking an online course. I ditched most of the first class, it's a lot of "read, then click here to show you've read it". There's a chat room, which I'm hoping is being watched by Chris Hansen. Participation counts a lot towards the grade, I'm going for 100% in the chat room.
I can see the appeal of online learning though. It's not often I've been able to learn while watching porn and having the new They Might Be Giants CD on in the background. My instructor posted a picture of herself on the site, we're meant to do the same. I'm using this one.

It appears that the rest of the class is responsible adults. I'm looking forward to LOLCatting or drawing spitballs on their pictures. It takes a lot of effort to be a bad student online.

Various musings

Been feeling uninspired lately, but working on some new material helps. Random things in the mind of the bastard.

Curb Your Enthusiasm is coming back for another series. I'm happy because I like the show, and sad because I thought the last episode was going to be it, and it would have been a really fun way to end the show.
The Orange Peel continues to announce bizarre new shows. The Misfits are still around? Jerry Only and "friends", maybe? I haven't got time to grow my hair for that show. I thought They Might be Giants were going to skip Asheville this time around, but Orange Peel is a late add to their tour. For some of their tour, they have Corn Mo opening for them, but sadly not in Asheville.
The show I'm most looking forward to now is Girl Talk - thanks to Alex for showing me the samples of opening act Dan Deacon.
Not 100% official, but it's 95% likely that the Feral Chihuahuas will be a part of LAAFF, doing something with Jim Julien. Stop by and see a rare free outdoor performance.

Asheville stand-up throwdown!

The date is set - Saturday September 15, 9pm.

The venue is set - Caffiend, corner of Merrimon and Chestnut.

George the Bastard and the Feral Chihuahuas present "R U Funny Asheville"

What's happening? I'm ripping the concept off of Lew's Evil Open Mic at the Parkside Lounge. Bring your stand-up game, everyone gets 5 minutes, and there'll be prizes - cash prize for the best act, wacky prizes for wacky acts. Celebrity judges will pick the winners.

No charge, but buy lots of coffee while you're there.

Further details and flyers to come soon.

Yikes

There's a post by another George over on BlogAsheville that gave me the heebie jeebies this afternoon. I'm a bit of a night owl, and on occasion a responsible person, and I usually walk downtown and around North Asheville at times of the early morning. During the day I'm often seen on the bastard bike peddling my way around. If you're on a bicycle, Merrimon is a deathtrap. It's the only road in Asheville where I ride on the sidewalk (where there is one - pity those trying to get from the Ace of Spades to the Merrimon Arts center). Bastard public service announcement: Alternate routes to Merrimon if you need to walk to North Asheville in the early morning.

• Central Ave: Very little traffic, underpass under I-240. My standard road for getting in and out of downtown. There was an attack there about a year ago, but I haven't had any problems.
• Madison Ave: Not quite as hilly as Washington or Liberty, and the steepish walls in front of the houses on the west side of the street combined with the occasional light make it easy to see other people on the street.
• Murdock Ave: Part of me doesn't like the dividers on this street because they're dangerous if you're cycling and there is a car behind you. But it has kept traffic down on this street, and kept the cars pretty slow. Another Asheville street that lacks paving on both sides, stick to the west side of the street and you should be OK.
• Kimberly Ave: If you're going further north, there's much less traffic, lights, and the dangers can't afford to be here. Easy walk or cycle all the way to Beaverdam road - a great cross street for getting back to Merrimon is Ottari - fairly flat and the speed humps keep traffic down.

Safe walking and cycling, hope that guy from this morning made it. UPDATE: he didn't, there's more details at ashevegas...

The bastard of all crosswords

Every week I try to slog through the Listener Crossword. Printed on Saturday in the London Times, it is the most difficult crossword in the world. In about five years of attempting the thing, I have successfully solved it four times. The paper gives you three weeks to solve it, and the answers for the one from three weeks ago went live half an hour ago. This is the closest I've come to solving one in forever...

In order to solve any of the clues, you had to remove letters from the clues, it turns out the letters removed were blood groups in roughly the representative proportions (most of the time you were removing an O, or B, sometimes an A and in two cases an AB). This led to a quotation to solve on the left hand side which is the only part that escapes me. Oh Listener crossword, why do you mock me.

Back in the saddle again

30% chance of rain today and so the bastardmobile has been ditched in favor of the biowheels bastard bike. If you see a fat red-faced bastard puffing and panting up a hill then honk or point and wave. Current odds are heart attack 3:1, stroke 5:1.

Saw on the news this morning that the Chinese were using lead paint in Spongebob toys. Should I sue them for copyright violation, since I've been going by Spongebob Leadinthepants in play areas for years?

The question on Michael Vick's mind...

How much was that doggie in the bucket
The one that I skinned by the tail
The other I plugged into the socket
How long does that put me in jail?

At the mercy of the elements

• The worst thing I can see in the morning is "40% chance of rain". I don't like having to use the bastardmobile, so I walk or cycle whenever possible. 40% is my limit, if it's 40% or over, the bastardmobile is called into service. Now watch it not rain.
  
• If you're looking for a good laugh this morning, support our troops and read this
• Thanks Sarah for the Violet Crumbles. Violet Crumbles good.
• Since I used the bastardmobile and guaranteed there'll be no rain today, the Asheville Tourists start one of their last homestands tonight. Clinging to 2nd place by a single game, should be a really good game tonight. And it's cheap hotdog night, if you're looking to sate your inner Kobayashi.
  

Karoke review: MacKells

I always thought this place was a private club, and there's nothing funnier than blundering into a new bar and being told "we don't want bastards in here". Drawn by the lure of 25 cent wings, I joined some fellow ferals at the bar in the shadow of the huge sign proclaiming whatever is going to go up at the top of the hill.

Wings were pretty good, couple of different sauces. I tried the house sauce, which I liked and the hottest one they had which was good but hung around a little too long (8:40 the next morning = too long). Crowd was small initially, people avoiding eye contact with each other. Things got fun when the karaoke started - it appears there's a point where MacKells becomes a hangout for wait staff from other places. The karaoke DJ was open to novelty and obscure songs, and had a pretty huge list. I butchered "Eloise" but I didn't care at that point. Many people smoke, but there's reasonable air circulation.

If you don't have to work on Monday, or your job benefits from feeling seedy, check out karaoke on Sundays at 10pm at MacKells.

The end of the 35 Below Late Night Comedy series

Went to the show last night, Greg Brown/Oxymorons/Gag Order to finish off a full summer of shows at 35 Below. Good but odd crowd last night, seems like a portion of the audience couldn't take any more sustained laughter at intermission and went to Mission to sponge bathe Billy Graham. Gag Order had a particularly good night, I'm going to have to go to one of their shows at the Blue Ridge Performing Arts Center - I like the mix of personalities in the group. Hung out with some assorted Oxymorons later.

The 35 Below shows are in the bag

Nearly sold out both shows last night, and for a change it was the later audience (the brave souls who didn't escape until morning) who were the rowdier crowd.
Stand-up went OK, wasn't my best night, though it was a tough week for inspiration. Got a few laughs from both crowds, so I was happy with that. A bit of audience participation saw an old joke slip through in the second set, but apart from that it was all new stuff.
Thanks to both audiences! Shows went well, finale went over well - I wasn't worth much at the after party.
So what next for the bastard and the Feral Chihuahuas. Ferals are going to take a break before the October shows with the Rebelles, November at Revoluticon.
As for George the Bastard, I'm going to take a week or two to breathe and work on my new project to encourage stand-up in Asheville. Watch this space for details!
Tonight is the last show of the Summer Comedy Series, and I'm probably going. It's Greg Brown, Gag Order and the OxyMorons. Where else can you get three acts for $10?

Busy week

Haven't had a lot of time to update. Rehearsals went late last night and I missed the Tom Chalmers/Scott Bunn "Laugh Free or Die Hard" show last night (a ticket went unused, sad).

The big news is that two Feral Chihuahuas will die in the show on Friday. Fans of death and destruction, sketch comedy and fresh-as-filth-can-be standup don't want to miss this one. The first show was very close to sold out this afternoon, but tickets are available for the second show starting 10:15(ish). Wrap party most likely at Scully's.

On top of that we have some great sketches, song, dance, video pieces and a showstopping finale.

Fly Well, little Chihuahua

• Good luck to Feral Chihuahua Cameron! Break every leg in sight.
• I'm looking forward to seeing "Laugh Free or Die Hard" on Wednesday night (if I can make it after rehearsal). I'm sure Tom Chalmers has some pent-up aggression from those teenage comedy camps, and we might see a bit of the bastard in him on Wednesday.
• Come on Asheville Tourists!!! Rehearsals have eaten into my drinking in games time this summer, but I've got playoff tickets in hope and earnest. Still clinging to a slender lead at the top of the division.
• Stay tuned for more details of my new stand-up project - especially if you're curious about how you would do as a stand-up comedian.
• In an announcement that may effect the choice of date for Extravabloiversapaloozathon 2007, Vic Chestnutt is playing the Grey Eagle on September 29.
  

Monday it is, and so Mondayitis

Hmmm, another week dawns and what did we learn from the weekend?

• URTV on Saturday. Thanks Matt for the exposure, it was a very new experience. I had done live-to-tape before (and on commercial TV, where ad breaks can be used for staging and setting). I think I did OK for going in on a few hours notice and thinking it was going to be an interview, and not a URTV-friendly routine. I saw myself later on - I think I came off as pretty much a bastard, I would have liked to spend more time answering questions and not getting filmed as up close as I was. I went straight from the optometrist as well, if you happen to catch a replay, look at the size of my pupils.
• Oxymorons/Greg Brown show on Saturday. Small but very fun crowd, 35 Below suits the morons, at previous shows there have been too many distractions to really get the full effect. Sarah was terrific at bullying the timider audience members into making suggestions. Greg Brown opened strongly, but started to fall apart and rely too heavily on the paper notes. I'm guily of that too, especially when I'm doing new material (look at my wrists when I do stand-up at 35 below - at comedy clubs I like to take a bottle of beer on stage with me and peel off the label to crib the set list under).
• The bastardmobile returns today, and it'll be nice to have motorized wheels again. On the other hand, it was good to be back to cycling longer distances, and if I can keep it up I'll be a leaner, meaner bastard. People get good mileage out of seeing me after a show or at caffiend with a bike helmet.
• FRIDAY IS THE LAST 35 BELOW SHOW OF THE SEASON!!!! We've got some great stuff planned, huge show-stopping ending, singing, dancing, video pieces, brand new stand up and something you never thought you would see at a Feral Chihuahuas show. Get tickets early, this is going to sell out.
  

Bye bye Merv

Read today about the passing of Merv Griffin, best known as the elevator killer in "The Man With Two Brains". We'll miss you, windex man.

Feral Chihuahuas Interview

Elizabeth, Jay, Andrew and I are going to be guests on today's Matt Howard show on URTV, 5 p.m. Mayhem is a good possibility.

35 Below, week 8

Penultimate show in the bag, and thanks again to the awesome audience we had for both shows. Very pleased with the stand-up, I think I had some good stuff and a few bits that can go into the permanent routine. It was certainly a weird show, but Wyman did a stellar job with the mail-order bride video that will hopefully be available soon.

Karaoke review: Razcal's, Thursday nights

Karaoke is a very guilty pleasure. I can't sing and I have rotten taste in music. Most Asheville karaoke nights see me coming up to the DJ station and immediately crumple my selection. So to find a new haunt is welcoming. It was my first time at Razcals, and it's not a bad place. Woody interiors, large screens very high up on the walls to make sure your neck gets a good workout, cheap PBR. A proper shuffleboard table with real sand.
Extensive karaoke list and though the bar was maybe two-thirds full, not a lot of people were showing off their lyrical stylings. We stayed around two hours and all three of us got to sing twice (the first time in almost a year I've managed to get a second song in).
I took a stab at an actual song and butchered "Live it Up" by Mental as Anything. Songs nobody knows are always safe. Since nobody stabbed me on the way back to the table, I'm assuming nobody was actually paying any attention. Second time up was "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick" by Ian Dury. Much more suited to the bastard lyrical stylings.
The big test will come when I return, and attempt to sing again. But this one rated at least four plastic dinosaurs.

Tonight is the penultimate Feral Chihuahuas show at 35 Below. Come out and laugh - featuring an all-new set of stand up!

We who are not worthy

It gets repeated a few times tomorrow - Buck Henry (creator of "Get Smart" and "Quark") was on The Daily Show last night. If I make it to that age, I want to be that lucid and that funny.

New Feral Chihuahuas video online

First attempt at embedding a video in the blog

And it seems to work! Here it is - featuring Andrew and Jay and many thanks for Wyman for technoskills and camerosity.

Back in Asheville

The cruelest sight on I-40 coming back from Durham is the Red Oak Brewery, just outside of Greensboro. It tempts you with the sight of giant vats looming over the interstate, rubbing in your miserable face that you have three hours more driving to do, and will be in trouble if you pull off at the next exit for delicious battlefield black. They had better be at Brewgrass!

This Friday is the penultimate Feral Chihuahuas show at 35 Below, and it's going to be a good one - we're shredding the envelopes of taste and comedy and setting the stage for a spectacular anticlimax on August 17th. I've spent eight hours on the road and endless times in new-day-job soul destroying meetings, so I should have some great stand-up worked out, but I'll have a good excuse for not having any.

The Feral Chihuahuas are sitting on Friday for the Faces of Asheville project. What body mutilation should I do before Friday?

Visions of hell

I am in a large room in a monolithic building in Raleigh. There are desks in the shape of a U, most people have a laptop. The space in the centre of the room is wasted, I would feel better if there was a microphone and I could tell jokes. Those who do not have a laptop are trying to talk to each other and sneak peeks on to other people's laptops. There is coffee. It is in an urn. Two projectors show a web page on identical large screens at the same end of the room. Are they slightly different so that if I cross my eyes I can see a fish swimming in the middle. Maybe. Where is this place? Why am I here? I am told I must stay until 3pm and then I am free to go.

This is my new day job.

Nice piece of work

We've been e-mortalized as Simpsons characters! From left to right...
Wyman the director dude
Andrew the blond one
Jay the tallest by far
Elizabeth whose true roots are only known by a select few
Sarah who needs to come back soon
Cameron who likes it when I write long words for him to pronounce
George the bastard
Tommy, who has since shaved, and so now only the eyebrows are accurate
Dick, the light and sound guru whose job I have made incredibly difficult this week

Things that make a bastard happy

• Filling in a coffee card at Caffiend and getting free coffee. Free coffee keeps bastards moving.
• Weekend-long drinking with visiting Australians.
• Metalocalypse is back on the Cartoon Network line-up and new episodes are coming soon!
• Asheville Pizza and Brewing Co bringing back "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" for late shows. Remember to shout at the screen often.

Show 7 is in the bag

Thanks to everyone who came out last night - I thought the stand-up went pretty well (particularly in the first show) for bits that were mostly written on the day of the show. I had three large speaking parts in sketches, usually I prefer to lurk and do tiny bits because I'm a horrible actor and can't remember lines (especially ones I didn't write). I came close to disaster in one sketch but pulled it together, kind of. Great audiences last night!
I'm going to be out of town for a few days, but I'm hoping to make the URTV show on Thursday that I couldn't do last Thursday.

Food poisoning

Oh joy. Now what was it about buffet sashimi that had been sitting there for hours that seemed like a good idea?

What August Means to Me

August is one of my 12 favorite months of the year...

• Many of my friends have birthdays in August. That means that most of their parents had sex on Christmas or New Years Eve. Happy birthday, booze babies!
• Schoolchildren go back to school in August, so online predators, you only have a few precious days left.
• August sadly marks the end of the Late Night Comedy Festival. Feral Chihuahuas have only three shows left, catch us while you can!

Happy August, fellow bastards!

Reasons to get up today

• Who is killing the great theatrical names of Europe? Added to the Best Month Ever for deadpoolers are Michel Serrault (probably best known for the role in "La Cage Aux Folles" reprised by Nathan Lane in "The Birdcage"), Michaelangelo Antonioni (who made "Blow Up" which is a good movie and was referenced by Monty Python a bunch of times, and Mike Reid (Frank Butcher in "Eastenders", but maybe easily remembered as Doug The Head in "Snatch"). So if you're Molly Sugden, Tom Stoppard or Christopher Lee, get up now, they're coming for you.
• Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts had a seizure. Turnaround is fair play, since I shudder every time I hear "Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts"
• There was a new puzzle supplement with the London Times on Sunday. It's downloadable in a practically unprintable .pdf format here, I extracted the puzzles as individual files if anyone is interested.
• The first U.S. Patent was issued on this day in 1790
  

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ha

Just spent a few days in Houston. Quite the intriguing place, I enjoyed pointing at things and saying "We have one much smaller than that in North Carolina". It costs more for a beer at Minute Maid Park than it does for admission to an Astros game. I got rather sunburned swimming in Galveston (one cannot return from Texas without a red neck) and I'm peeling pretty nicely now. I'm thinking of serving my skin with salsa at the show on Friday. Random musings...

• It continues to be an impressive month for dead poolers, with the passing of Tammy Faye, Tom Snyder, Ingmar Bergman and Karl Gotch.
• I may be on "Mad Scientist's Tea Party" this Thursday on URTV at 4pm.
• After a week off, Feral Chihuahuas return to 35 Below this Friday with new sketches, new stand-up and something a little different.
• The North Asheville Tailgate Market is moving to the UNCA campus. Pity, I used to enjoy scaring marketgoers with my Saturday morning taking my recycling there.
• No copies of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" have shown up on bookcrossing yet. Oh well...
  

Late night comedy series, July 20

Another good set of shows and a very appreciative audience last night. Both audiences should have been loaded into cages and forced to watch all the rest of our shows. New stand-up worked pretty well, one bit that could work its way into the main routine, two bits that probably don't have a very long shelf-life. I was very happy with the reception to the George the Bastard Harry Potter release party.
Thanks to anyone reading who came - we're off next week for Bele Chere, but in two weeks it'll be new stand-up, new sketches and video pieces.

I'm only a typo away!

You'll never guess what you get when you go to georgethebastard.logspot.com

Reasons to get up today

• It's showtime! 35 Below, 9pm, get your tickets ($10) at the Asheville Community Theater Box office (828-254-1320). New sketches, new video segments, and some all-new stand-up with George The Bastard. You can't get newer!
  
• The Late Night Comedy series is exploding! Greg Brown is doing some shows with the Oxymorons and Gag Order, Tom Chalmers and Scott Bunn are going to do a sketch show.
• Some book or other is coming out at midnight.
• If you turn to CNN at any random time, you're likely to see cute footage of dogs mauling each other to death. How did they get such quality footage so quickly?
  

Reasons to get up today

• I have to think of an appropriate response to "Laugh Your Asheville Off". The article in the Mountain Xpress this week made me even more pissed off. I am not upset at not being booked on the show, I haven't done a set in a Comedy Zone or a Summit Comedy venue for about three years. I am upset at the lip service Feral Chihuahuas is given, in the opening paragraph no less as improv. The Feral Chihuahuas are pre-written (and now incorproating pre-filmed) sketch comedy and stand-up - not improv, and the Mountain Xpress knows better.
  
• I also like the change in tone between the Mountain Xpress article and the one in Take 5 assuring the attendees that this will be highbrow and clean.
  
• So tonight I think I'm going to actually support local comedy, by passing out Feral Chihuahuas flyers outside the show and then wandering down to the Gag Order show at 35 Below.
• Brewgrass festival is starting to shape up. Another sampling glass to add to the collection at casa del Bastard. Very excited that the Carolina Chocolate Drops are performing.
• Happy 147th birthday Lizzie Borden!
  

Dripping with sincerity

Recently I tried to have DVR installed at casa del Bastard, since I can never remember to set my ancient VCR to catch all the trashy TV that is out there. Two trips to Charter, three DVR boxes, a dozen phone calls and four cable guy visits later, it sort of works. They naturally called me at an inopportune time to ask for me to glowingly rate their service. If you happen to be near a public men's room when survey people call, this is the perfect time...

"Mr The Bastard, on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being perfect, and everything else being a fail, how would you rate our service?"

Now flush, move to next urinal for next question.

You can't say Charter doesn't care - this arrived in the mail yesterday

Awwwwwwwww.... the personal touch. Apparently what matters most to me is challenging little girls in the park to hula hoop competitions, a healthy prelude to molestation. And not what I really want which is non-stop TV inside in the air conditioning.

Reasons to wake up today

• Matt Groening is going to be on The Daily Show tonight. I'm hoping that he's going to reveal that the Simpsons movie only has the Simpsons for about five minutes and then becomes the "Life In Hell" movie.
• We're getting close to the next Feral Chihuahuas show. This means all new stand-up from George the Bastard. It's been interesting, but every week is a completely new stand-up set with jokes never heard before (and judging by the response, this will be your only chance to catch any of them).
• We're also only three days away from the release of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". Reading Harry's death is going to be one of the most exquisite moments in literature.
• It's just been announced that the Meat Puppets and Who's Bad are doing concerts on consecutive nights at the Orange Peel. Surely they'll announce some sort of double feature ticket package.
  

So it's come to this

How did you find this blog? I didn't place my innermost thoughts on a publically-accessible forum for you.