The Lack of Life of George "the" Bastard

Bastard of the Day

2008-07-23T08:59:00.002-04:00

The first of a probably never-starting series, let's see who today's Bastard of the Day is...

John C Wilson, step on down.

I have got to start writing letters to the Asheville Citizen-Times. It appears the most inane goes up on the website, presumably to drive advertising revenue from the message board. And Johnny C, if he is lucky enough to own one of them new-fangled computer thingys with the identitythefternet, is smiling in his porridge - you're a star of the tubes.

Weekend of bastardry

2008-07-21T10:50:00.002-04:00

Caught the OxyMorons show on Friday night, another strong outing with a lively audience.

Saturday was a trip - filming downtown for the next Feral Chihuahuas show with Wyman and Andrew. When you're filming ridiculous stuff on the street people stop and watch. For one scene we were skipping down the street arm-in-arm, and got challenged by some guys to a skipping arm-in-arm race. We only did one take, so I hope it was a good one.

I'm working on a sci-fi epic "Future Present Time Cop from the Past" (based on a random idea you might have seen in a film piece at the last show), and based on reactions we got downtown, it is going to have to be filmed in downtown Asheville on a weekend in crowded places. Hmmm, maybe I will go to Bele Chere (look for Monsieur Shinyhead and I to battle against Future Present Time Cop from the Past).

Happy trails, Tim

2008-07-18T12:59:00.002-04:00

Looks like Tim Rawal is checking out of the Citizen-Times (or at least writing his columns for Take 5).

Best wishes on whatever you're doing next, Tim - if you're staying in Asheville, let me know and I'll buy you a beer sometime. I really wanted to get Tim on to the writing team at the Feral Chihuahuas but things never quite worked out. Tim's writing was sarcastic, self-deprecating and glorious to read, and the way he brought the anger of readers brought tears to a Bastard's eyes.

Bonus points for getting Jason Bugg in a dander!

Writing a monologue

2008-07-18T11:32:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to write monologues lately. It's not my forte, I like to work a lot of jokes or puns into sketches, and if you have two characters this is easy, but with one character, set-up followed by punchline comes off as contrived. It's amazing how much more difficult this is to write than stand-up, since straight-out jokes are expected when you're doing stand-up.

The world lost one of the great deliverers of monologues recently in Ronnie Barker. He had this great delivery of monologues, and I believe most of them were written by him and Barry Cryer. I'm trying to write a Ronnie Barkeresque monologue for a later Feral Chihuahuas show, here's a taste of what he could do.

Late birthday

2008-07-18T10:31:00.002-04:00

Sorry, lack of life, I forgot to acknowledge that you turned 1 yesterday. You're just an unreadable blog, you don't have feelings.

Things to be excited about

2008-07-16T10:55:00.002-04:00

Having two weeks off means I can do stuff and see stuff. I try to get to as much as I can, but rehearsals have been cramping the old style. Asheville has a lot to do, sometimes it takes some gumshoeing. Let's see what's on the Bastard agenda.

Friday night the OxyMorons are back at 35 Below. Their shows are always funny, and energy-laden. They ask the audience at the start if they want a clean show or a more racy show, so if you're there on Friday, join with me in asking for the true OxyMorons experience.

Saturday I'm going to make a second attempt to see Henry VIII at Montford park. Every time I try to head down there it rains.

Sunday is Summer Cooler Beer Fest at the Garage on Biltmore. It's a fundraiser for a pretty decent nonprofit - Clean Water for North Carolina. I haven't seen a lot of advertising for this, I hope they get a decent crowd.

Bele Chere is next weekend... and for the first time I'm not that excited about Bele Chere. Moving the ticketed shows to Memorial stadium means I won't be able to hear them from casa del Bastard. The only act there that I'm really interested in seeing is Nikki Talley. I might head to the BlogAsheville get together on Friday and then skip town.

Back to the pile of half-written scripts - the last four Feral Chihuahuas shows for the season are going to kick ass!

Feral Chihuahuas take an all-star break

2008-07-14T16:33:00.002-04:00

Show #5 is in the books!

This week was the week of awesome audiences. The two people who kept laughing while I picked on them in my stand-up, you were terrific! I need to work more audience participation into the Bastard stand-up.

As for the shows themselves - Katie Baker is really coming along as a strong writer. She wrote the camp counselor monologue that Andrew sweated his way through to some great laughs, and also wrote "DVD", where audiences got to see a lot more Bastard than they ever wanted to. Andrew's magnum opus of the disintegrating family got us to end the show with an "awwwww" and you got another Calloway/Bastard musical production. The shows are getting better, tighter and more terrific, and we're going to take a two-week break to rest up and prepare for the last four shows.

It was nice to see some Oxymorons at the second show (hope you guys had fun).

Our next show is August 2 - 8pm and 9:30pm. Make plans!

Bastard movie review: Wall-E

2008-07-14T11:02:00.002-04:00

There's some utter awesomeness in Wall-E.

Good ideas:

Make a movie and have Fred Willard be the only person in it. He appears to be either President or CEO of earth in this movie, and I would feel much better knowing that Fred Willard is in charge of my life.
Restrict the big-name voice actors to saying the one line over and over "Hey, Sigourney, can you say "Wall-E" with three different inflections, and we're good to go", and have the main speaking role be done by Jeff Garlin.
Have a robot love story, therefore leading to oily, gear-grinding robot sex

Bad ideas:

No robot sex
Repetitive beeping noises. Couldn't you afford Einstürzende Neubauten for the soundtrack?
Floating somewhere between an uber-preachy ecosploitation movie and a sexless robot love story

Overall it was OK. The short film before it was worth seeing, and I liked the air conditioning.

Feral Chihuahuas on Saturday - season mid-finale

2008-07-10T11:19:00.002-04:00

Get your tickets for this weeks shows - they're going to be wild and dangerous! After Saturday we're taking two weeks off to breathe before coming back with four more new shows in July and August.

I got caught in the huge rainstorm early yesterday afternoon - I'd walked downtown, and had to get back to casa del bastard. It looked like there was going to be a short break in the rain, so I went for it, but about 5 minutes later it was torrential downpour time and I was soaked. Figured I wasn't going to get any wetter, my clothes were drenched and I'd plod on. You get some really interesting looks from motorists when you're walking outside in driving rain looking happy. I was disappointed in the anti-abortion protestors outside Femcare, they had retreated to their SUVs. Saw two accidents (I don't think I caused any) on the way home - the cop directing traffic around one didn't seem to pleased when I told him that it was a nice day for a walk.

Show #4 wrapup - we're nearly halfway there

2008-07-08T11:48:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Rapid River for the write-up in the July edition.

Saturday's shows were quite the trip. I had to bolt back from a wedding in order to make the first show, and we were scrambling, but things came together at the end.

Petulant came to the first show and had a good time. I was pleased with my writing getting a share of laughs and groans, and a chance to try out those clogging lessons I took a few years ago.

The second show was intriguing - where in the first show the biggest laughs seemed to come from the last sketch (the stripping teddy bears), the crowd at the second show really got into Briyan and his graduation ceremony. We wave farewell to Briyan, two sketches is enough for you, old friend - back into your room to work on that Masters.

This week is the official half-way point of the season, and after this show we're going to take a few weeks break. So get your tickets for the mid-season extravaganza - shows are on this Saturday at 8pm and 9:30pm and tickets can be bought in advance at the Asheville Community Theatre site.

This week we've got 9 brand-spanking new live sketches, a musical guest, stand-up from George "the" Bastard and more filmed goodness.

Discount sushi

2008-07-02T11:41:00.002-04:00

Sleep does not come easy to a bastard. The night is there for drinking and plotting evil schemes. Unfortunately some activity is occasionally being required of me in mornings, so I've been trying to get some sleep.

With absolutely no success.

Last night it was suggested that I try taking a herbal supplement to get to sleep. It's like drugs, but not drugs, and you can buy them at stores that have "Green", "Earth", "Whole" or "Maaaan" in their names. I got out of Feral Chihuahuas a few minutes before Greenlife closed, so I figured I'd give it a go.

At Greenlife, at 9:30pm, they mark down all the unsold sushi.

Herbal sleep pills + discount sushi = guaranteed all-night insomniac delusion.

Show #3 wrap-up

2008-07-01T12:42:00.002-04:00

Where does the time go? Week #3 was the show I was dreading the most, having to try to hold a tune (or at least a harmony), and some long acting parts that I was having a tough time in remembering.

I have this thing against conventional sketches (though I write enough of them), where there's either a set-up person and a funny person, or there's one character that is the focus of the piece, or the "general" of the piece so that everyone else works off them. I get more enjoyment out of writing pieces that change direction, and have different characters lading the action at different times.

This makes anything I wrote a pain in the ass to memorise.

But everything came off well, and both shows were much better than I expected. If you weren't there (shame on you), you missed the writing debut of Drew McDermott, who you'll be seeing a lot more of (and probably more in unitards), a fascinating flight into scatology by Kevin Anderson the writing machine, another of Katie's insights into why men are the inferior race (next week, look for me in one of Katie's bizarrest offerings yet), and another George "the" Bastard/Tommy Calloway musical production. Forget John and Taupin, the next generation of rock superstardom is going to be Calloway and Bastard!

I'm enjoying immensely the "cringe" reaction from people in the front row to my stand-up, particularly the set-up lines. Come for the hysterical sketch comedy, stay for your chance to be made to feel uncomfortable.

More guerrilla filming on the weekend. It's a lot of fun to sneak into buildings and alleys, set up a camera, grab a few shots and leave, particularly in outrageous costumes and wigs.

This week's show is going to feature a little something for everyone, and a new one for me - most of the time I write a self-contained sketch and leave it at that, but by popular demand, I've penned my first sequel to a sketch. So if you liked the Holistic Omniversal Learning Experience sketch from last year (a home-schooled boy's visit to an alternative learning academy), make sure you get a ticket this week to see the further adventures of Briyan.

More singing

2008-06-25T08:39:00.002-04:00

Show 3 rehearsals are underway. There are ambitious musical plans for show 3 which involves me not only singing, but attempting to hold a tune.

I was in a choir when I was in grad school, and I was such a bad singer I was made the choir director so that audiences wouldn't be subjected to my voice.

Tommy made me a CD of my part and the whole song. If you get a ride with the Bastard this week, expect to be able to sing along with this CD. I wish I had to go somewhere far this week, I'd make a point of picking up a hitchhiker and making them listen to this one track a few thousand times.

After I get done with this week's show, I think I'll keep the CD just in case the opportunity arises.

Parking 101

2008-06-23T14:08:00.002-04:00

Had to laugh at a parked van I spotted this afternoon. Not sure how visible the sign is on the board, but it said "Reserved". I hope it was reserved for them.

Wearing coffee

2008-06-23T11:20:00.002-04:00

If there's one thing I can guarantee, it's that I will have poured coffee over either an item of clothing or myself before the end of the morning. Maybe this is what is wrong with education, we don't teach young people how to drink coffee without getting half of it on your shorts. That's my excuse for the brown stains and I'm sticking to it.

Sad to hear about George Carlin this morning. Saw him about 15 years ago and he was funny and abrasive - he really knew how to push the buttons of an audience. I was an aspiring stand-up comic (how things change) and was in awe of his command of the crowd. Now I feel bad about not going to his show in Asheville, but I really couldn't afford it at the time.

What a weekend! The first show was a sell-out and went well. The new chihuahuas did an excellent job in both writing and performing, and I got to try out an American accent (the thing I hate the most about my acting is that I can't lose my natural voice, so any accents sound really forced - Peter Sellers had the same thing going for him, but it didn't stop him). One thing I miss about our tight schedule is that I don't really get to talk to the audience after the first show - if you were there, feel free to leave feedback on the blog about what worked, what didn't, what you'd like to see. I had to grab something from outside between shows and met a really funny couple who had never seen the show before and wanted to know how we had so many wigs.

The second show was probably the closest to a perfect line-through we are ever going to get. We didn't quite sell out the second show, but we had the rowdier crowd, and I love rowdy! Got to talk to a few people after the second show who had never been before and had a good time.

I had to bolt from our show to the best of No Shame show at NC Stage. Chall and Jonathan did a great job of putting it together, since the No Shamers are a pretty raggedy bunch. I had seen most of the pieces before - I hadn't seen Jim Julien's taste bud thing before and it was pretty awesome. Jim must spend 23 hours a day making costumes, signs and props (Jim, if you're reading this, what was in the flap under your hat?). Feral Chihuahuas ruled the Best of No Shame, as both myself and Kevin Anderson had pieces performed.

Karen Stobbe was at No Shame as well - she and Mondy Carter have a show coming up in the 35 Below Comedy series that should be worth a look. Mondy takes clean(ish) improv to an impressive new level.

How much Bastard can you take tonight?

2008-06-21T14:15:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Tony Kiss for putting us in the "Today In Asheville" section of the Citizen-times.

If you're lucky enough to have a ticket for tonight's show, you'll get to hear more of George "the" Bastard singing, and we'll be debuting the sketches by some of the new writing talents of the Feral Chihuahuas. Katie wrote two pieces that crack me up, John has another new flight of fancy to follow on from his strong debut sketch about the politically-correct joke teller, and contributing writer Kevin penned our show opener. Early show is at 8, late show at 9:30.

I'll be dashing off after the Feral Chihuahuas show to play a part in my sketch "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" at the Best of No Shame Theatre. It gets started at 11 - $5 gets you in.

Is the word ready for two George "the" Bastard pieces being performed at different venues on the one night?

NPR Gets Feral

2008-06-20T09:31:00.002-04:00

Despite the generosity of listeners like you; Tommy, Andrew and myself are going to be interviewed on WCQS just after noon today. We'll be plugging our upcoming shows, discussing new members, and how it came to be that there are so many British caricatures roaming the streets.

I love doing radio - way way way back I used to do a weekly comedy radio show with two very talented comedians (well one really talented comedian and one guy who was great on the board).

So tune in to find out what happens - if you're not in Asheville you can stream it through the link above.

In case the Reverend is looking in...

2008-06-19T15:12:00.002-04:00

The Pleasure Saucer suddenly got a content warning on it, and when I click the thingy that says "Yes, I'm a big boy and I'm allowed to look at salacious offerings without it warping my tiny formative mind", it still doesn't take me to the site.

Amazing how tastefully presented semi-smut is blocked and my mad ravings are accessible to children everywhere.

Cleaning fluid tastes yummy and works for a sore throat.

Great picture, Citizen-Times!

2008-06-17T12:44:00.002-04:00

With apologies to Ben, this picture cracked me up.

Somewhere, in deepest darkest Woodfin...

2008-06-17T12:16:00.002-04:00

The demise of the Woodfin Theater Shack caused a move of Chihuahua H.Q. to a newer, even less-disclosed location.

We're hard at work rehearsing for the shows, four rehearsals a week. The new H.Q. is nice, well-appointed, has a working fridge and is carpeted in places, which is good because we all seem to be writing sketches where falling over is an integral part of the piece.

The only drawback is that it is open to the outside world, which is people driving by in their cars, and the people across the road. I would like to write a sit-com about the people who live across the road from Feral H.Q.

One of them likes to drink beer and water his garden shirtless at night. There's either a really skanky son or a really skanky daughter, or both who are dating each other. If there's a mother, she's locked in an upstairs room with a single window. There is a dog, but it appears to change every night. Dogsformer.

I hope they are dealing well with us singing songs about pedophilia or shouting "nipples" at late hours.

Week 1 is in the books!

2008-06-15T19:01:00.003-04:00

Both shows were sellouts with turn-away crowds and a LOT of people who hadn't seen us before!

Tommy, Andrew, Dick and I spent Saturday afternoon painting the Chihuahuas logos on the set at 35 Below. I am a truly horrible artist and this was the first painting I'd done that didn't involve my fingers. After Tommy touched it up, it was presentable, and I loved the way they looked for the show last night.

First time performing sketches since the Halloween show last year, and the new rehearsal schedule paid off well. I got most of my lines right on cue, didn't mess anything up on the sketches and those of you who were there got a rare opportunity to hear me sing.

First show was an interesting crowd, a real mix of people. Stand-up went over well, and I knew we were going to have a good time. Technical problems fouled up one of the videos we had planned on showing, which was a pity, but the final video piece of the night was a real winner. Our new Chihuahuas each took the stage for the first time, and did a great job. I really enjoyed working with Drew on our sketch about how improv is lazy, he got through what could have been a dicey situation.

Second show was an interesting one. I think that all our performances were better on the second show, but it was much more a smile audience (in a few cases a "walk out" audience, thanks for the vertical applause!) than a laugh audience. They went for the visual gags more. I think everyone that stayed for the whole show had a good time.

New show next week that I'm really excited about, and I'm going to go straight from our second show to the Best of No Shame at NC Stage (George "the" Bastard dominating the Asheville theater scene by having pieces performed at two venues at the same night!).

If you want to see us, you're really going to have to get tickets in advance! You can order tickets now for any show in the season through the Asheville Community Theatre website (click on "Buy Tickets Now" when you get there).

Make sure you catch some of the other acts in the series as well - I went to the OxyMorons show on Friday night and they just keep getting sharper and more funny. This slimmed-down version of the group is tight!

More publicity

2008-06-13T14:09:00.002-04:00

There's a terrific article in this week's Take 5.

It's worth finding a copy of the freebie edition of this, mad props to whoever did the cover and did the shadow pictures of our mug shots from the web site (if whoever did that happens to be reading this, let me know if I can get a copy), and to see a shot from the Halloween Carol special last year as a centerfold.

The Bastard is a centerfold. Na na nanana na na nanana na na naaaaaa...

Feral Chihuahuas in Mountain Xpress today

2008-06-11T10:04:00.002-04:00

While doing this interview, I tried to creep out Aiyanna Sezak-Blatt by sitting really close to her and shouting obscenities in her face. I was expecting her to wear a pork-pie hat with a little "Press" ticket in it and she wasn't.

It worked.

Feral Chihuahuas Onslaught Begins

2008-06-09T16:39:00.003-04:00

Check out the new Feral Chihuahuas website - major overhaul, sexy new look and lots of blue.

For more Feral Pictures, we're on flickr

The (appropriately) last picture on the flickr site is this shot of me doing stand-up, apparently quite constipated. And being stalked by a TV.

It all starts this week!

2008-06-09T15:45:00.002-04:00

A huge success last year, and it's back again. Feral Chihuahuas shows most Saturday nights, a lot of super improv with the OxyMorons, regulars LYLAS and Scott Bunn with Tom Chalmers, and a few newcomers. 35 Below is the place to be!

You can buy tickets online from the main ACT page, or by calling ACT at 828-254-1320

I took a few days to head out of town before rehearsals started - one of the highlights of my trip was a visit to Yankee Stadium to watch the Blue Jays play the Yankees. Here's a possibly drunk bastard after a game.

It's a little different to McCormick field.

So get your tickets now to see the Feral Chihuahuas debut! New chihuahuas, film pieces, musical guests and all the sketch comedy you can handle - finally sketch comedy has come back to Saturday Night!

Since we're one Chihuahua fewer than last year, expect to see a bit more of George "the" Bastard's acting chops. And just like last year, each show will start with new, never-before seen stand-up from the Bastard.