I love fantasy sports. Nothing is more bastardy than fantasy sports, particularly those that do the "Elite Leagues" and practically call the players the night before the game. If I was a pro-athlete, and it's really an administrative oversight that I am not, I would troll fantasy sports leagues to see who had me, and if I did something bad or stupid, I'd call and email those who had me in their league to make fun of them for putting imaginary faith in me.
But the Onion has *OUTDONE* itself!
The Onion's "Shattered Expectations" Fantasy Football League.
Come on Bastards, let's play Fantasy Football. I've created a league
League name: Feral Chihuahuas