What insomniac pedophiles are watching

There was competition for the pedophile insomniac viewer at 4am today.

ESPN2 was showing the finals of the World Cheerleading Tournament. Yet another "world" tournament where a U.S. team is guaranteed a win. Spandex-clad teenagers became a blur, however I would like to point out that an often overlooked profession has to be the helpful gents at the corners who would step on to the big blue mat when the all-girls teams would attempt flips and throws, then make discreet exits when they went back to spinning and posturing. I salute you, cheerleader lumberjacks.

At the same time, WGN was showing an episode of The Steve Wilkos Show, entitled "I live under a bridge" (cool - a show about trolls!). Not classy enough for Springer? How about appearing on a show hosted by his bodyguard, the largest man with the least hair in recorded history. He came to the rescue of a mother with three small children who was living under a bridge in some unnamed city since their father was in jail for transporting illegals. She showed Steve the blanket they used to sleep on until it rained, and the trash can they get their meals from. If it was empty, it was a three-mile walk to the nearest trashcan. Steve loved getting cuddles from these three boys (seriously, Steve, they've been living under a bridge for a month, I'd get tetanus shots before touching these angelic-looking tow-headed kids). He also got a kick out of confronting the father in jail, offering him helpful advice like "Don't do things that cause you to get arrested and go to jail", and "I'm going to take your wife with me and find somewhere safe for her". Way to grab the sloppy seconds, Steve.

I've got to start watching the Steve Wilkos Show more often. If "The George The Bastard" show gets off the ground, I would have asked the mother which child she liked the least. Those boys would probably have fetched a few grand each, and that would get her enough crack until she could buy a new blanket.

My favorite part of the Steve Wilkos website... Do you know someone who is an unfit parent and want Steve to set them strait? Call Mary at 877-836-3419 orEmail Us ! (Here's the link)