Shiny and New Jersey

Greetings from a slow scab internet connection in beautiful Hackensack, Newish Jersey. I didn't bring my camera with me, but I think what North Carolina needs to learn from New Jersey is the importance of shiny diners. We have restaurants, we even have diners, but we don't have shiny diners and that's a shame. There needs to be an element of traffic hazard in food options. And nothing says "good food" inside like chrome plating. I like to think that before installation, these diners were dipped into a vat of chromic acid and electroplated, then lifted up by a crane to be placed within inches of a major roadway. And you can check your hair before entering. Hair is not allowed to be out of place in New Jersey, but that's OK, most shiny diners have pomade stations immediately upon entry.

Spot the bastard!

I find it impressive that I can come out looking like the scary one in a picture with John Waters. This was taken after his talk at UNCA on September 19.

Brewgrass the 11th

And my eighth. Woke myself up out of the funk I've been in since Jonathan passed, and headed to the mecca for an awesome day, I really needed that fun.

Can't even begin to describe how well things were set up this year. I rarely had to wait in line for a beer and although the lines were long, the new ticketing system appears to have worked. I did the print-at-home tickets, and was scanned straight in after about 25 minutes in line at 12:28. The food selection was a notch up from previous years, and there was room a plenty.

Ran into many many friends, didn't see many of the blog set. I remembered my camera this time, and since I'm not usually one for taking a lot of photos, I ran wild.

here's my flickr set of brewgrass

Au revoir, friend of the bastard

After a year-long battle with leukemia, my very good friend Jonathan Hollis checked out this morning. I'm making up a flickr set of some of our odder moments, but here's one that sums him up pretty well.

Jonathan Hollis - 7/11/1980 - 9/21/2007

Some of the "You Suck" set

I'm procrastinating tonight, and thinking about the John Waters autograph made me want to go back to some of my favorites in the "You suck" set of autographs. Here's the one that started it all, the mighty, legendary Corn Mo.


Got to love Corn Mo, pity my sharpie smudged a little.

I'll spare the space, but here's some more

Neil Hamburger

Mad Tea Party

As I get more scanned, I'll put them in my Flickr "You Suck" set.

Get your tickets!

The Halloween show with the Rebelles is on October 26 and 27. I am not appearing in the show, but have had a hand in writing it, and this is going to be one wild, funny, sexy show!

Get your tickets ($20) at the Grey Eagle website or from one of the ticket venues (Orbit DVD, Harvest Records or the Grey Eagle itself). These shows will sell out!

Still reeling from the John Waters experience last night. I'd read his books, seen his movies, and got a chance to share a quick quip. What a guy - he was all over the loving from the fans and patiently signed anything brought up to him. There's a picture of the two of us that will hopefully appear on this space soon. I loved the suggestions of civil disobedience, his take on how to treat politicians who are against gay marriage, and his Larry Craig material was pretty close to mine, which I'll take as a compliment.

Alice in Chains is playing at Thomas Wolfe? WTF? Are the opening acts going to be the Doors, T-Rex and Queen?

Who knows that George the Bastard sucks?

Latest addition to the list of famous people who agree that George "The" Bastard sucks: John Waters.

Exciting week for bastards

What a week it is for Asheville. I picked the wrong week to go on a beer purge (in anticipation of Saturday I vow to not drink any beer this week). I have a few good opportunities to add to my "You suck" collection of CDs and DVDs autographed with "You suck".

Wednesday night is the John Waters lecture. I hope he'll write "You suck" on my DVD of "Serial Mom".

Friday night is the Girl Talk concert at the Orange Peel. I'll be the guy in the audience who is 10 years older than everyone else in the crowd, but the same age as the ultra-awesome opening act that is Dan Deacon. I hope he'll have his new CD for sale and will write "You suck" on it for me.

Saturday is Brewgrass. Glad I got my ticket well in advance, if I was really thinking I would have gotten some more, the scalp value on them at the moment would cover all that I spent at the Smashing Pumpkins shows.

And I'd like to thank everyone who nominated me for nothing at the BlogAsheville awards. They don't have a "worst blog" award, which is the only one I'd want. Congratulations in advance to those who were nominated and will lose. It takes a lot of effort to be not quite the best in anything and I salute you.

R U Funny Asheville

Well, a small but appreciative audience came out to Caffiend last night for the first R U Funny Asheville. We had five open-micers, all of them were very funny - coffee was drunk, prizes were distributed and many people went for beer later. Woot. I tried out some new material that worked well. I think Larry Craig jokes will have a reasonably long shelf life - what a bastard!

There was enough encouragement that R U Funny Asheville will be back - this time properly promoted. I'm thinking of a scheduled of every two to three weeks on a Saturday night, have to look and see which Saturdays I'm in town.

The funniest thing by far this week on TV was Seth Green on "The Soup". They were parodying this youtube video



This guy is going to get a TV show well before me. Anyway, here is the hysterical Seth Green parody.

Seth Green Chris Crocker Outtakes

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Seth Green, you are the bastard of all bastards. And I loved your interview in The Onion's AV Club.

Intractably difficult crosswords redux

I was checking over the answers to the Times Jumbo crossword from two weeks ago (the solutions come two weeks later), and I was a little curious as to why the crossword had a Beatrix Potter theme. The answer to 1 across was Beatrix Potter and several of the other answers were Beatrix Potter characters. A little googling later, I found a solvers blog entry agreeing that there didn't really seem to be a chronological reason for a Beatrix Potter puzzle.

It didn't mention that among the Beatrix Potter answers, there was also X-RATED, HOT TUB, OPIUM DEN, BELLY BUTTON and MANHATTAN PROJECT. A nice mix of words.

The Times Crossword blog had a link to another log for people solving the Listener crossword.

I shall soon be a shut-in.

R U Funny Asheville - tonight!!

It's going on, and it'll be a fun time. 9pm, Caffiend.

So far - at least four stand-up acts, some of them first-timers, will be gunning for prizes and fame.

George "The" Bastard will be hosting, debuting some new stand-up material, and there to encourage and humiliate.

All acts will be judged by our panel of highly-caffeinated experts.

And it's all FREE!

If you want to get in on performing, drop me an email - georgethebastard squiggle gmail.com

Blogging on location

I'm blogging covertly from the secret location of the scriptwriting meeting for the Rebelles/Feral Chihuahuas show. If anyone notices what I'm doing I'll be in trouble. This is going to be a Good Show, despite my participation.

The Gloom That Is

Been in Raleigh for bizarro second job. This part of the state is in love with traffic.

R U Funny Asheville is still set to go for Saturday but so far the response has been underwhelming. This is what happens when I promote my own thing, I guess. I got the day wrong on most of the flyers, I was waiting on the OK for the flyers but never got it so I had them printed and sent out. I'm far from a professional writer (gag writers don't need to worry about spelling) and I'm hopeless at proofreading my own stuff.

But if you want a laugh on Saturday night, or some coffee, or want to try your hand at stand-up, Caffiend at 9pm is the place for you! Prizes for being funny, prizes for not being funny.

And now to play with the traffic that Raleigh loves so much.

My new green card

Is not green, it's a kind of pasty-yellowy color. There is a green strip on the back, but it may be that Homeland Security have finally eliminated the greenness of the cards.

LAAFF

Very odd but fun day at LAAFF that has left me with a hoarse voice. Thanks to Elliot and Jim - Elliot managed to take my natural lack of beauty and transform me into something truly horrific and Jim did a great job with the posters and setup of the "Soil a Zombie" booth. "Soil a Zombie" was set up next to a stage that was mostly slam poetry. I took in a few hours of slam poetry, which I think is best delivered in very small doses of say a third of a poem at the time. I was inspired to write my zombie slam poem, as performed by George the Zombie at the underground arts stage.

"I am a sensitive zombie" - by George the Zombie

9/11. Afghanistan. Iraq. Maybe Iran.
It gets so crowded in my grave
The sacrifices the young men gave
This is not my government.
I used to be underground unfound I astound, around, screams abound unbound. Turn around I found a thousand lies and untruths
It's enough to make you wish you were alive.
But I am not alive. I am not dead. I have no soul. I am a sensitive zombie.
I will eat your brains.
And hate myself for it.

The guys with the eight-foot spitball shooters were really annoying. I got pinged twice on a zombie parade. Maybe they were fans of comedy. I felt sorry for the Oxymorons having to perform with one mic in the middle of the street, but they had the crowd eventually. The PETA guy with the cage of chickens had very little sense of humor, which in a way worked while I was eating his flyer. I rather enjoyed the Laugh Out Loud ale made by French Broad for the festival, it was a good outside-drinking beer.

Virally Advertise This

I'm not very good at promotion, but here goes nothing...

Small-cast Feral Chihuahuas for free this weekend

Hopefully, lots of you are going to descend upon LAAFF.
It's usually a good time, I particularly like going to the art cars and trying to sneak Starbucks labels on them. The Feral Chihuahuas will be performing at the Soil A Zombie booth, hidden away in the corpse of the Vincent's Ear courtyard. We'll be doing zombie sketches, and there's going to be the world's only zombie stand-up comic, George the Zombie. He'll make you laugh, he'll make you groan, and he'll eat your brains.

Bastard Fantasy Football League

I love fantasy sports. Nothing is more bastardy than fantasy sports, particularly those that do the "Elite Leagues" and practically call the players the night before the game. If I was a pro-athlete, and it's really an administrative oversight that I am not, I would troll fantasy sports leagues to see who had me, and if I did something bad or stupid, I'd call and email those who had me in their league to make fun of them for putting imaginary faith in me.

But the Onion has *OUTDONE* itself!

The Onion's "Shattered Expectations" Fantasy Football League.

Come on Bastards, let's play Fantasy Football. I've created a league

League name: Feral Chihuahuas
Password: bastard

Message from Jenny Bowen

Got this in email last night from Jenny. The Feral Chihuahuas sat for her initial "Faces of Asheville" project, and I admire her determination. I can't think of anything artistic I can contribute, I doubt scripts of Feral Chihuahuas shows (yes, there are scripts) will attract much. Maybe I should auction off a promise that I won't do my routine in front of you.

Email excerpt follows.

Kitty Love of the Lexington Ave Arts Festival was so wonderful as to fit me in last second into a shared booth at the festival this weekend. I am hoping to do a silent auction of art and services donated by the community which will benefit starting the project over.

I know many of you out there are incredibly talented members of the community - I am asking you, if at all possible, to consider donating something for the auction.

If you are a musician consider donating a couple CDs or performance tickets -
If you are an artist a few sketches, a painting, a piece of jewelry or pottery -
If you are an author a copy of your book -
If you provide a service perhaps a voucher or discount coupon -
Anything that you might see fit to donate back into the community in hopes of benefiting the whole community through reviving this worthwhile project.

This project will not be able to rise again with out YOUR help!

The Lexington Ave Arts Festival takes place THIS Sunday September 9^th in downtown Asheville from 11am to 10pm. It's going to be a wonderful jolly time of Asheville heritage, arts, crafts, and fun!! The silent auction will take place all day and winners will be contacted Sunday after the festival closes.
There will also be sign-ups for interested parties to participate in the next photo-sessions for the project & free cereal will be provided by Eaties Cereal Bar!

All donations for the silent auction should be dropped off at Eaties Cereal Bar in downtown Asheville by this Saturday at 9pm. Please include a business card (or other relevant contact info) and what you would normally value your donation at.

Immigration of a nation

The last of my paperwork came through this morning - I have now officially changed status and am an immigrant.

It's been an intriguing trip in general, what I'm looking forward to the most is next time I travel overseas, I can use the slim, streamlined "U.S. Only" corrals at customs and passport check. There are few more lonely than the internationals, the non-immigrants standing looking forlornly at the empty lines and open booths that are not for them. Soon I will be grinningly stupid at the non-immigrants as I breeze back into the country. Ha ha to you.

R U Funny Asheville is on September 16, 9pm at Caffiend - flyers and posters are in production. Sign up for a five-minute stand-up spot or just come along to laugh, drink coffee and have a good time.

A return to levity!

New Feral Chihuahuas video: Roadkill L'amour

Roadkill L'Amour

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News that touches even the heart of a bastard

I have very few soft spots (maybe some patches where I've been hit more often than others), but the story of Cameron Underwood touched a nerve. At about the same time as one of my best friends found out he had leukemia, and I changed a large amount of my life to be a good friend and spend as much time in Philadelphia as possible helping him out, I followed the story of Cameron's recovery from a brain tumor, his return to school and to NC State at the same time as learning a lot about leukemia, hospitals, patience and treatments. It's rough to be sitting in the bone marrow word in Philadelphia and read the end of Cameron's story.
Tough break for someone who by all accounts was a decent, hardworking guy.