Au revoir, friend of the bastard

Tim Haden passed over the weekend, he'd been ill for a while, and retired about two years ago. When I first moved to Asheville, there was nowhere to do comedy (and I had no car, so couldn't easily get to the open mic circuit), so I went to my second love, music. I didn't have a good time with a few of the community groups, but a friend put me in touch with Tim, who was putting together a Lab Jazz band, and was looking for reliable players to work on tunes he'd been writing. We didn't always see eye to eye, but we had some really fun times, and he let me do some of my comedy sax solos on the shows (I did one of those at the show with the Oxymorons and on the first of the 35 Below shows last year).

Post-feraloke hangover

My theme for last night was "Songs with overly-long instrumental breaks so I get to stand around and be annoying on stage".


"Fascination Street" by the Cure. I think I even pulled off a little of the Robert Smithness


"Welcome to my Nightmare" by Alice Cooper. I sang most of this sitting on the side of the stage.

Anyone else going to the Jonathan Richman show at the Grey Eagle on Friday? I've seen him four times and he hasn't yet done "Roadrunner". Maybe this will be the night...

Feraloke reigns supreme

It is Monday, and that means that Jay is hosting Karaoke at the Rocket Club in deepest, darkest West Asheville. It's no-holds-barred karaoke, it's non-smoking, it's a huge stage for you to strut your stuff on and as usual, George the Bastard will "sing" your requests.

Audition spots for the Feral Chihuahuas are filling up fast - email feralcomedy@yahoo.com or call the Feral hotline at 828-253-8019. If you're a writer, feel free to bring samples, if you want to perform, we'll have scripts for you to run through at the rehearsal. Despite what the Mountain Xpress seemed to think, no improv is required (thanks for correcting the article, Brian).

I have no idea if anyone reads this in Louisiana, but I may have a stand-up slot lined up in early April in New Orleans. Details to come.

So you want to be a Feral Chihuahua?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I auditioned twice for the Feral Chihuahuas, they were in greater need of new performers and writers the second time around so the standards had slipped low enough that even I could get in.

Failing auditions is a Bastard specialty, I was also nixed by the Oxymorons a few years ago. I need to get a sex change so I can get rejected by LYLAS and then I'll have the trifecta.

BUT I DIGRESS!!

The Feral Chihuahuas will be holding auditions on March 1, 2, 8 and 9 from 6pm-9pm. To get an audition time, call Chihuahua HQ at 828-253-8019. We're looking for performers, writers, and crew.

We will film your audition, and expect performers to act with existing members of the Feral Chihuahuas in sketches.

Thanks for not reading

Ignore last post - feraloke happened last night, and it was a blast! As soon as I got in a request came in to have a bash at "The Ace of Spades" by Motörhead. George "The" Bastard salutes Lemmy - he's ugly, he's loud, he sings into a microphone placed above head level and he was on "The Young Ones", a crucial TV show in the development of the young bastard. Hope I did you proud.

No Bastardoke tonight

Rocket Club is going to be hosting a wake tonight, and have canceled karaoke (pity, I think a wake would be better with karaoke). Bastardoke continues in fits and spurts, should be back at it next Monday.

Last night was some script reading for the upcoming summer Feral Chihuahuas season, and if last night was any indication, the boundaries of comedy are going to be shoved out the window.

We also discussed feral auditions. Do you have what it takes to be a Feral in Training?

Asheville Stands Up

Caught a rehearsal of the Oxymoron's show for Dirty South. Should be a great time and I hope they knock 'em dead and show it how it's done Asheville Comedy Style.

Chatting afterwards, we discussed a regular stand-up thing. I've wanted to do it for a while, and there's been a bit of stopping and starting. A chance to work on material, try out our acts and make each other laugh - back room comedy brought out into the front of the room.

So Asheville Stands Up.

Here's the plan - once every two weeks, a free stand-up comedy night hosted by George the Bastard - bring your stories, bring your jokes, find out what works, what doesn't, and have a good time. Venue and dates coming soon - watch this space.

My travel mug took its name too literally

Seeking a solution to a way to drink coffee while cycling, I got a travel mug that fit quite nicely into the bastard backpack. And all was going well until the travel mug decided to, well, travel. I have no idea where or exactly when, but if you are the proud new owner of a silver and red Caffiend travel mug, wash it carefully before drinking from it.

All quiet on the bastard front this past week, working on some way overdue writing and scripts for the new Feral Chihuahuas season.

No Shame

I'd love to pick that no shame audience up and take them around everywhere. The piece got some great laughs and the cast was awesome. Perfect corpse. The show was taped for URTV and will also show up on google video at some point in the near future, so those of you who missed it will get a chance to see the debut. I think the Chihuahuas will end up doing this piece somewhere in the summer season.

No Shame is fun, and I'm sure I'll be back soon, but I have three big problems with it.

• Lack of enforcement of the 5-minute rule. If you see someone getting on stage with 7 pages of small type, the piece is not going to be over in 5 minutes.
• The directions call for original pieces. I know improv is great and an important part of theatre, but I don't think "We're going to do 5 minutes of improv" should count as an original piece
• Some people had their submissions turned down, under the "First 15 scripts through the door" (or at least first 15 that find who is taking scripts and crowd them) rule. I'm fine with that, but then why let some people submit two pieces?

This would be fairly simple to take care of. Quick vet of the scripts when they come in the door, and lights out at 5:00 (not gradually dimming in a "hey, ummm, can you like maybe consider winding it down within the next few minutes, or we'll lower incandescence slightly more"). And insist on scripts, or, for the dance pieces, a movement block or tape of music.

I did love the dance piece with the deck of cards with activities written on them. Great job, you guys!

Late night tonight at NC Stage

It's No Shame Theater night tonight. I haven't been able to go to the last few, but I have no concrete plans tonight and I have a piece that would be perfect to try out in that crowd. So come along at 10 if you want to act, or come along at 11 if you want to watch the new one-act play "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" by George "The" Bastard.

Tomorrow is the first meeting for Feral Chihuahuas to discuss new material for the summer series (it's going to bigger and badder-assed than the last one), and a schedule for auditions. Think you've got what it takes to be a Feral Chihuahua? Sorry, but they've tightened up the entrance requirements since I snuck in, talent is now a must.

Overheard at the gym today...

After a bastard workout (got to keep in comedy ass-kicking shape), overheard in the locker room...

"What I didn't like about my apartment was that the hot water goes out after the average shower, you know, 12-15 minutes".

What does a guy with a buzzcut do for 12-15 minutes in the average shower?

Woosh goes the week

Welcome to stupor Tuesday. Bastardoke last night was a hoot, I'll keep you informed as to whether it is to be a regular thing, but the Rocket Club was such a fun place to do karaoke, with the huge stage and massive speakers. I need to get out and bellow "Fox on the Run" more often.

URTV are showing the shows from Fringe at various points during the week (thanks to the Rev. Johnny!) so if you want to catch "Fecal Matters", keep your TV tuned to URTV non-stop, like you already do. According to the schedule, it's on tonight from 10pm-midnight, and then tomorrow, tomorrow night at midnight, Friday night at 9pm and early in the morning on Saturday.

Still putting the final touches on my piece for No Shame Theatre this weekend, I can't wait to see how much people hate it, this is five minutes of truly puerile scriptwriting. Actors needed!

And in a piece of non-bastardness, tomorrow is Think Pink Day for breast cancer research. If you wear pink tomorrow and donate $2, you get free entry to the UNCA Women's basketball team playing Losethrop at 7pm. Look for George the Bastard in the crowd!

Bastardoke - Monday February 4

Thanks for the comments on the previous bastardoke threads - looks like this should be a new and regular thing.

George the Bastard will be doing bastardoke at the Rocket Club on Monday night (start time to be announced, probably 9pm). Even better, the Karaokemeister is the tallest Chihuahua on the planet, Jay Becknell, so this promises to be karaoke with no rules (and more Neil Diamond than you can shake a rhinestoned denim jacket at).

Requests for bastardoke taken here. Remember, I can't sing and I have no shame.

Bastardball

I'm getting ready to head over to the Justice Center to watch the Big Game. The one that matters for the proud city of Asheville, with mid-season bragging rights at stake, UNC-Asheville (6-0) is going to take on Losethrop (5-1).

One of the first basketball games I went to in Asheville was UNCA v Losethrop. The mascot for Losethrop (a sparrow) had brought a toy bulldog and proceeded to do wrestling moves on it, and dry-hump it. This was probably the most tasteful act that a Losethrop supporter enacted that day.

Losethrop is an ugly school in a suburb of Charlotte so far flung it is not even in the same state. Andie MacDowell was sensible enough to quit going there. Their fans are a bunch of grotesque caricatures with no sense of personal space or hygiene. Their team is mostly thugs, with almost 100 personal fouls lead on UNCA. I hope Kenny George brings his flak jacket, he's going to get chopped from all angles.

I hope UNCA kills Losethrop. I hope I make it through the game. If I do, I'll see many of you at the Rocket Club tonight.

Unfortunately choice of headline

The Citizen-Times has chosen a headline to make the Toughman competition sound rather gay.

Not sure if I'm going to make it down to the Civic Center tonight, but the first round of Toughman is always an excellent evening out. Skip the finals, the first round is where it's at. Lack of experience takes on lack of judgement and the man boobs will go flying. It was at the first round last year when the psycopathic pacifist, Travis O'Guin (a former Feral Chihuahua) made his boxing debut and got through to the second round.

I'm planning on going to the blogger thing at the Rocket Club. Might as well use that membership, maybe I can sign in everyone as guests of the bastard.

Next piece of planned upcoming bastardry is February 9 - I'm submitting a really weird piece to No Shame Theatre. Anyone interested in acting? Right now I think I'll need one female and three male roles, one lucky guy gets to lay on the floor for the whole piece.