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Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Bastardwatch - everyone at the airport
In an effort to spread Bastardry one mountain at a time, I've just spent a week in Salt Lake City. Which is a story in itself, however I have to hand it to the Mormons - you have unintentionally created the PERFECT drinking city! The entire place is on a numbered grid pattern, so it's impossible to get lost unless you lose your powers of mathematical reasoning when hammered (I am at 300 west and 400 south, I need to get to 600 west and 100 south, so I have to go three blocks in this direction, and three blocks in this direction).
In trying to create a state where nobody drinks, they forgot to put a tax on alcohol, or a limit to the amount that can be served at one time. You want a $10 pitcher of microbrew all to yourself, there you go, how about a cheap chaser?
The downside is that you have to become a member at bars. And many bars now have my fingerprints, address, drivers licence number and toenail samples. So if you're a budding identity theftist, just steal the ledger from under the bar at any Salt Lake City drinking establishment.
But now to the present - some morons thought they could fly Delta from Salt Lake City in March and not get delayed. I was on a small shuttle plane to Denver, which was sitting on the tarmac waiting for its de-icing (plane bath!), which meant that we were 90 minutes late getting to Denver. I think most of my plane were transferring to Atlanta, which was meant to be leaving from the gate right next to where we pulled in. There's no plane there. I am on a plane of hysterical people screaming that they needed to get off because they had 15 minutes to make a connection to an invisible plane. Many of these people are approaching the desk (there's still no plane) every 10 minutes or so begging and pleading for the plane to come here faster. Did I add there's a snowstorm?
I'm thinking of borrowing a Delta uniform and opening up my own bastard information station for these delusional rabble-rousers.
"Will I make my connection?"
"No. I hope your jam-packed carry-on bag the size of a horse is comfortable because you'll be using it for a pillow for the next two nights"
---
"When will the incoming plane arrive?"
"I'll just call the pilot and ask them to hurry up for you. He's prone to doing cartwheels and flying irregular routes, and doing this annoying slowing down before hitting the runway. Can you sign this responsibility form in case the plane crashes trying to land in this snowstorm so you can get to Atlanta?"
---
"I demand recompensation for delay of my time"
"If you whine and bellyache like this at work, you probably cost your company money. They owe us for keeping your useless ass from the office."
Come see The Feral Chihuahuas on Wednesday for our pre-season opening extravaganza. If you're really lucky, I'll still be here! Link to buy tickets below.
In trying to create a state where nobody drinks, they forgot to put a tax on alcohol, or a limit to the amount that can be served at one time. You want a $10 pitcher of microbrew all to yourself, there you go, how about a cheap chaser?
The downside is that you have to become a member at bars. And many bars now have my fingerprints, address, drivers licence number and toenail samples. So if you're a budding identity theftist, just steal the ledger from under the bar at any Salt Lake City drinking establishment.
But now to the present - some morons thought they could fly Delta from Salt Lake City in March and not get delayed. I was on a small shuttle plane to Denver, which was sitting on the tarmac waiting for its de-icing (plane bath!), which meant that we were 90 minutes late getting to Denver. I think most of my plane were transferring to Atlanta, which was meant to be leaving from the gate right next to where we pulled in. There's no plane there. I am on a plane of hysterical people screaming that they needed to get off because they had 15 minutes to make a connection to an invisible plane. Many of these people are approaching the desk (there's still no plane) every 10 minutes or so begging and pleading for the plane to come here faster. Did I add there's a snowstorm?
I'm thinking of borrowing a Delta uniform and opening up my own bastard information station for these delusional rabble-rousers.
"Will I make my connection?"
"No. I hope your jam-packed carry-on bag the size of a horse is comfortable because you'll be using it for a pillow for the next two nights"
---
"When will the incoming plane arrive?"
"I'll just call the pilot and ask them to hurry up for you. He's prone to doing cartwheels and flying irregular routes, and doing this annoying slowing down before hitting the runway. Can you sign this responsibility form in case the plane crashes trying to land in this snowstorm so you can get to Atlanta?"
---
"I demand recompensation for delay of my time"
"If you whine and bellyache like this at work, you probably cost your company money. They owe us for keeping your useless ass from the office."
Come see The Feral Chihuahuas on Wednesday for our pre-season opening extravaganza. If you're really lucky, I'll still be here! Link to buy tickets below.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Feral Chihuahuas Tickets
Want to see the upcoming show on April 1st?
You're only a click away.
Tickets are $10 - show starts at 9pm at the Asheville Arts Center at 308 Merrimon Avenue.
New sketches and old favorites - some singing, some dancing and a little Bastard. You don't want to miss it!
You're only a click away.
Tickets are $10 - show starts at 9pm at the Asheville Arts Center at 308 Merrimon Avenue.
New sketches and old favorites - some singing, some dancing and a little Bastard. You don't want to miss it!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I Pity The April Fool
The Feral Chihuahuas are back with an April Fools Day spectacular.
We're bringing back some classic sketches and films with a line up of new material for one night only - and at a new venue.
The Asheville Arts Center is about to get Feral - bigger stage, bigger audience, bigger screen.
Tickets will be available for purchase soon - watch this space!
Recent Bastardries
I had a terrific bastard moment yesterday, I had a bunch of mailings to do that didn't get finished until around 4 yesterday, so at 4:10 pm I descended on the post office with 42 envelopes that had to be individually weighed and stamped. There were two people working, and I managed to hold up one of them for 30 minutes with the occasional wave and smile to the gathering crowd behind me. It's good to be a bastard!
If you have G4, and they are showing them in order, tomorrow night should be the episode of "The Chaser's War On Everything" when most of the cast get arrested for driving a car with the Osama Bin Laden lookalike into the APEC summit.
Humanitarian of the week: Morrissey - saving Asheville from having to hear what he's become. Maybe 311 will show the same consideration to people unfortunate enough to buy a ticket to their show.
If you have G4, and they are showing them in order, tomorrow night should be the episode of "The Chaser's War On Everything" when most of the cast get arrested for driving a car with the Osama Bin Laden lookalike into the APEC summit.
Humanitarian of the week: Morrissey - saving Asheville from having to hear what he's become. Maybe 311 will show the same consideration to people unfortunate enough to buy a ticket to their show.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Asheville Citizen-Times pedantry edition
There is a great typo in the online citizen-times today.
Mario Miguel Molina Garcia, 35, of Bear Creek Lane, was charged with possession with intent to manufacture, sell and deliver 445 grams of marijuana; simple marijuana possession; cocaine trafficking; maintaining a dwelling to use, store drugs; possession of drug paraphernalia; and possession of 6 grams of cocaine, warrants show.
His bone was set at $20,000.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Au revoir, friend of the bastard
When you think of people who broke down the barriers, names like Jackie Robinson, Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman and Andrew Dice Clay come to mind. But a true crusader for animal rights was Frisco Jackson Davis, the only animal to ever be allowed in the Bastard's car.
Spare a thought for Frisco's family at this time.
Mountain's Most Wanted?
Ashevegas tipped me off to this, and it's a great read while you're procrastinating writing scripts for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas show.
"Mountain's Most Wanted" on the Buncombe County website.
Wow, do we have some ghetto criminals in the mountains, but their nicknames are great. What I think the County is missing is the chance to shame them into getting caught with the wanted poster. These wanted posters make them look kind of... well... cool.
I know he's a "most wanted" but really? JT Money?
Dear Buncombe County - let George "the" Bastard do your wanted posters.
"Mountain's Most Wanted" on the Buncombe County website.
Wow, do we have some ghetto criminals in the mountains, but their nicknames are great. What I think the County is missing is the chance to shame them into getting caught with the wanted poster. These wanted posters make them look kind of... well... cool.
I know he's a "most wanted" but really? JT Money?
Dear Buncombe County - let George "the" Bastard do your wanted posters.
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