Thursday, March 26, 2009

Bastardwatch - everyone at the airport

In an effort to spread Bastardry one mountain at a time, I've just spent a week in Salt Lake City. Which is a story in itself, however I have to hand it to the Mormons - you have unintentionally created the PERFECT drinking city! The entire place is on a numbered grid pattern, so it's impossible to get lost unless you lose your powers of mathematical reasoning when hammered (I am at 300 west and 400 south, I need to get to 600 west and 100 south, so I have to go three blocks in this direction, and three blocks in this direction).

In trying to create a state where nobody drinks, they forgot to put a tax on alcohol, or a limit to the amount that can be served at one time. You want a $10 pitcher of microbrew all to yourself, there you go, how about a cheap chaser?

The downside is that you have to become a member at bars. And many bars now have my fingerprints, address, drivers licence number and toenail samples. So if you're a budding identity theftist, just steal the ledger from under the bar at any Salt Lake City drinking establishment.

But now to the present - some morons thought they could fly Delta from Salt Lake City in March and not get delayed. I was on a small shuttle plane to Denver, which was sitting on the tarmac waiting for its de-icing (plane bath!), which meant that we were 90 minutes late getting to Denver. I think most of my plane were transferring to Atlanta, which was meant to be leaving from the gate right next to where we pulled in. There's no plane there. I am on a plane of hysterical people screaming that they needed to get off because they had 15 minutes to make a connection to an invisible plane. Many of these people are approaching the desk (there's still no plane) every 10 minutes or so begging and pleading for the plane to come here faster. Did I add there's a snowstorm?

I'm thinking of borrowing a Delta uniform and opening up my own bastard information station for these delusional rabble-rousers.

"Will I make my connection?"

"No. I hope your jam-packed carry-on bag the size of a horse is comfortable because you'll be using it for a pillow for the next two nights"


"When will the incoming plane arrive?"

"I'll just call the pilot and ask them to hurry up for you. He's prone to doing cartwheels and flying irregular routes, and doing this annoying slowing down before hitting the runway. Can you sign this responsibility form in case the plane crashes trying to land in this snowstorm so you can get to Atlanta?"


"I demand recompensation for delay of my time"

"If you whine and bellyache like this at work, you probably cost your company money. They owe us for keeping your useless ass from the office."

Come see The Feral Chihuahuas on Wednesday for our pre-season opening extravaganza. If you're really lucky, I'll still be here! Link to buy tickets below.

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