Sunday, December 21, 2008

No Shame last night

Had a great time at No Shame, it was the last one of the year and there was a lot of holiday-themed stuff, and some really interesting pieces.

I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)

Helping Out Those that Help Others

By George (“the” Bastard) Heard

A scene comprising entirely lines from Asheville Craigslist postings from the last 48 hours up until 3pm December 21, 2008

Maria and Chris are sitting talking to themselves, their frustrated boss Gerald is pacing up and down

Gerald

OK, this is the deal (Maria and Chris ignore him, he continues with his speech)

Over the mountains day after Christmas

Wonderful cats need new loving home (he notices that Maria and Chris are ignoring him and taps Maria on the shoulder)

Female bunny, Free

Maria

420

Gerald (disgusted)

Play time!!!!

Local ghost hunting group needs help

Chris

420 n head?

Maria

Do u need a third?

Gerald

Come on

Think about how great it would be to earn your paycheck from your home

Chris

Don’t bitch no more

Maria

Just looking for some fun

Chris

420 then hot and naughty

Gerald

Help please

Ladies and Gentlemen

Maria (taunting)

Whip it out

Chris (cupping his eyes and staring at Gerald)

Looking for bones

Gerald

Where have all the good girls gone?

I will never be able to go through the carwash again

I have three things to offer you

Beta fish w/complete habitat

KID-FIT classes

Access to world satellite TV for small one-time fee

Chris

I want to buy your DVDs

Maria

I am in love with a girl from Candler


Gerald

FOCUS GROUP NETWORK

(pointing at Chris)

Take the psychic training course FREE

(pointing at Maria)

Load of logs

Mental health counselor available

Later tonight

The best pillow you can buy

Maria

If Justin Timberlake was gay you would fuck me… right?

Chris

White men can’t make me cum

Maria

Free love seat

Chris

Take me in my nasty ass, please

Gerald (who has had enough)

TOOOOO Cheap!

Tools (he storms away from them to make a phone call)

Wanted

Sales

Project manager

Independent coordinator

Full time with benefits

(we return to Maria and Chris)

Chris

Where are you?

Maria

Need to get over him

Chris

I MISS YOU! And it is not going away

Maria

Rent a hubby

Chris

We suck

(Back to Gerald… Alan has entered and is talking to him)

Alan

I am affordable

Gerald

You want lower energy bills, don’t you

Alan

Please help a young soldier

Trying something for the first time

Gerald

I will book your shows and handle your promotions


Make unlimited income

(they shake hands… Gerald leaves, Alan approaches Maria and Chris)

Alan

Hay ladies. Holler at me

Chris

I don’t want any games or nonsense, just lay me already

Alan

Where are all the real ladies at?

Maria (showing him a handful of pictures)

Check out my artwork, Angels and more! Fun and funky too

I am the brunette in the pictures

Alan (looking at the pictures)

Wedding gown – very classy

Maria

Plz help me find my friend

Chris

New to Asheville and need a tourguide

Alan

Wanna play a little?

Maria

Hunting for cougars

Chris

Just relax let me do all the work you just enjoy

Alan (feeling pretty smug)

Will supply what you want

Maria

Looking for some

Chris

So?

Alan

Come get some

Maria (returning to psycho status)

Like new lawn tractor tires

Chris

Goat & sheep maintenance

Maria

Free coal!

Chris

Looking for bunk beds for two little boys

Alan (panicking and fleeing)

Best moves

Looking for urban land to farm next year (he runs off)

Chris (looking glum)

Cancelled garage sale

Maria

Interested in forming group for piano students? (they nod enthusiastically and leave)

1 comment:

chall gray said...

dude,

this was one of my favorite pieces in a long time. very funny. great work!

c