I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)
Helping Out Those that Help Others
By George (“the” Bastard) Heard
A scene comprising entirely lines from
Maria and Chris are sitting talking to themselves, their frustrated boss Gerald is pacing up and down
Gerald
OK, this is the deal (Maria and Chris ignore him, he continues with his speech)
Over the mountains day after Christmas
Wonderful cats need new loving home (he notices that Maria and Chris are ignoring him and taps Maria on the shoulder)
Maria
Gerald (disgusted)
Play time!!!!
Local ghost hunting group needs help
Chris
Maria
Do u need a third?
Gerald
Come on
Think about how great it would be to earn your paycheck from your home
Chris
Don’t bitch no more
Maria
Just looking for some fun
Chris
Gerald
Help please
Ladies and Gentlemen
Maria (taunting)
Chris (cupping his eyes and staring at Gerald)
Gerald
Where have all the good girls gone?
I will never be able to go through the carwash again
I have three things to offer you
Access to world satellite TV for small one-time fee
Chris
Maria
I am in love with a girl from Candler
Gerald
(pointing at Chris)
Take the psychic training course FREE
(pointing at Maria)
Mental health counselor available
Later tonight
Maria
If Justin Timberlake was gay you would fuck me… right?
Chris
White men can’t make me cum
Maria
Chris
Take me in my nasty ass, please
Gerald (who has had enough)
TOOOOO Cheap!
Tools (he storms away from them to make a phone call)
Wanted
Sales
Project manager
Independent coordinator
(we return to Maria and Chris)
Chris
Where are you?
Maria
Need to get over him
Chris
I MISS YOU! And it is not going away
Maria
Chris
(Back to Gerald… Alan has entered and is talking to him)
Alan
Gerald
You want lower energy bills, don’t you
Alan
Trying something for the first time
Gerald
I will book your shows and handle your promotions
Make unlimited income
(they shake hands… Gerald leaves, Alan approaches Maria and Chris)
Alan
Hay ladies. Holler at me
Chris
I don’t want any games or nonsense, just lay me already
Alan
Where are all the real ladies at?
Maria (showing him a handful of pictures)
Check out my artwork, Angels and more! Fun and funky too
I am the brunette in the pictures
Alan (looking at the pictures)
Maria
Chris
New to
Alan
Wanna play a little?
Maria
Chris
Just relax let me do all the work you just enjoy
Alan (feeling pretty smug)
Will supply what you want
Maria
Looking for some
Chris
So?
Alan
Come get some
Maria (returning to psycho status)
Like new lawn tractor tires
Chris
Maria
Free coal!
Chris
Looking for bunk beds for two little boys
Alan (panicking and fleeing)
Looking for urban land to farm next year (he runs off)
Chris (looking glum)
Maria
Interested in forming group for piano students? (they nod enthusiastically and leave)
1 comment:
dude,
this was one of my favorite pieces in a long time. very funny. great work!
c
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