Monday, December 29, 2008
Bastard child-care
Given a bit of time to look after a young child with a play kitchen, there seemed no better game to play than "Sylvia Plath"!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Bastard vs the Tom Tom
I'm in a large unfamiliar city, but I should be fine because I have the greatest GPS/mapping device known to man, the Tom Tom. It has a friendly soothing voice, kind of like a chain-smoking call center operator on her third shift in a row.
I wanted to go to NASA because I like hearing heroic music. So Tom Tom will take me there because it's got all sorts of interesting destinations pre-programmed.
But not NASA
Enter in the address - OK, it knows the street. Should be able to get there... I check a map and we do seem to agree as to the location of NASA. Get on an interstate, go along the interstate, turn off on a helpfully-named street called NASA road.
First thing Tom-Tom does is tell me to turn the wrong way, away from the interstate. I ignore it and head the way I know towards the interstate, while Tom Tom screams even more urgently that I need to turn right. Its authority cannot be denied! Until I can see the on-ramp dead ahead and Tom Tom decide that it knew that all along and suddenly there's a new route in front of me.
On the interstate, Tom Tom tells me to keep in the left lane or keep in the right lane. Not sure if this is linked to how slow I'm driving (you're doing 15 miles under the speed limit, get in the left lane immediately). I have some even more helpful back-seat drivers informing me how long it is going to take to get there.
Nearing the exit, there's big signs to get off at an earlier exit for NASA. Tom Tom is insistent that there's still two miles to go before exitville, as are the back seat drivers who are siding with Tom Tom. Fine... we get there to find the exit is closed. At the next exit, we get off and I rebel against Tom Tom turning back around to get on to the interstate and head back the way I was coming.
I believe that Tom Tom is biased against left hand turns, preferring drivers to make a series of 34 right hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn at a set of traffic lights where there is a left turn arrow.
Now (no thanks to Tom Tom), I'm on NASA road, and it's next turn NASA. Tom Tom is screaming at me to make a right hand turn. I' on NASA road (Tom Tom is showing the route going off to the right). So I turn, and Tom Tom next tells me to turn into what turns out to be a church parking lot.
Tom Tom wants me to find religion because I have problems following directions?
I find an actual road again, and Tom Tom tells me to make a left turn. This is the first left turn it's permitted me to make, so what the hell - let's do it. This takes me to an intersection with... mircale of miracles, NASA Road! I think straight across the road is NASA, but Tom Tom wants me to turn left. I am overruled by the Tom Tom worshippers and make the left, sailing right past the entrance to NASA. There's nowhere to turn back around! I go back along the road (at this point Tom Tom has, in a satisfied smug tone, told me that I've reached my destination and now isn't even showing that I'm on a road at all.
A probably illegal U-turn later and I'm back on NASA road, and at my destination.
Tom Tom is unplugged. I like maps.
I wanted to go to NASA because I like hearing heroic music. So Tom Tom will take me there because it's got all sorts of interesting destinations pre-programmed.
But not NASA
Enter in the address - OK, it knows the street. Should be able to get there... I check a map and we do seem to agree as to the location of NASA. Get on an interstate, go along the interstate, turn off on a helpfully-named street called NASA road.
First thing Tom-Tom does is tell me to turn the wrong way, away from the interstate. I ignore it and head the way I know towards the interstate, while Tom Tom screams even more urgently that I need to turn right. Its authority cannot be denied! Until I can see the on-ramp dead ahead and Tom Tom decide that it knew that all along and suddenly there's a new route in front of me.
On the interstate, Tom Tom tells me to keep in the left lane or keep in the right lane. Not sure if this is linked to how slow I'm driving (you're doing 15 miles under the speed limit, get in the left lane immediately). I have some even more helpful back-seat drivers informing me how long it is going to take to get there.
Nearing the exit, there's big signs to get off at an earlier exit for NASA. Tom Tom is insistent that there's still two miles to go before exitville, as are the back seat drivers who are siding with Tom Tom. Fine... we get there to find the exit is closed. At the next exit, we get off and I rebel against Tom Tom turning back around to get on to the interstate and head back the way I was coming.
I believe that Tom Tom is biased against left hand turns, preferring drivers to make a series of 34 right hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn at a set of traffic lights where there is a left turn arrow.
Now (no thanks to Tom Tom), I'm on NASA road, and it's next turn NASA. Tom Tom is screaming at me to make a right hand turn. I' on NASA road (Tom Tom is showing the route going off to the right). So I turn, and Tom Tom next tells me to turn into what turns out to be a church parking lot.
Tom Tom wants me to find religion because I have problems following directions?
I find an actual road again, and Tom Tom tells me to make a left turn. This is the first left turn it's permitted me to make, so what the hell - let's do it. This takes me to an intersection with... mircale of miracles, NASA Road! I think straight across the road is NASA, but Tom Tom wants me to turn left. I am overruled by the Tom Tom worshippers and make the left, sailing right past the entrance to NASA. There's nowhere to turn back around! I go back along the road (at this point Tom Tom has, in a satisfied smug tone, told me that I've reached my destination and now isn't even showing that I'm on a road at all.
A probably illegal U-turn later and I'm back on NASA road, and at my destination.
Tom Tom is unplugged. I like maps.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
No Shame last night
Had a great time at No Shame, it was the last one of the year and there was a lot of holiday-themed stuff, and some really interesting pieces.
I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)
I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)
Helping Out Those that Help Others
By George (“the” Bastard) Heard
A scene comprising entirely lines from
Maria and Chris are sitting talking to themselves, their frustrated boss Gerald is pacing up and down
Gerald
OK, this is the deal (Maria and Chris ignore him, he continues with his speech)
Over the mountains day after Christmas
Wonderful cats need new loving home (he notices that Maria and Chris are ignoring him and taps Maria on the shoulder)
Maria
Gerald (disgusted)
Play time!!!!
Local ghost hunting group needs help
Chris
Maria
Do u need a third?
Gerald
Come on
Think about how great it would be to earn your paycheck from your home
Chris
Don’t bitch no more
Maria
Just looking for some fun
Chris
Gerald
Help please
Ladies and Gentlemen
Maria (taunting)
Chris (cupping his eyes and staring at Gerald)
Gerald
Where have all the good girls gone?
I will never be able to go through the carwash again
I have three things to offer you
Access to world satellite TV for small one-time fee
Chris
Maria
I am in love with a girl from Candler
Gerald
(pointing at Chris)
Take the psychic training course FREE
(pointing at Maria)
Mental health counselor available
Later tonight
Maria
If Justin Timberlake was gay you would fuck me… right?
Chris
White men can’t make me cum
Maria
Chris
Take me in my nasty ass, please
Gerald (who has had enough)
TOOOOO Cheap!
Tools (he storms away from them to make a phone call)
Wanted
Sales
Project manager
Independent coordinator
(we return to Maria and Chris)
Chris
Where are you?
Maria
Need to get over him
Chris
I MISS YOU! And it is not going away
Maria
Chris
(Back to Gerald… Alan has entered and is talking to him)
Alan
Gerald
You want lower energy bills, don’t you
Alan
Trying something for the first time
Gerald
I will book your shows and handle your promotions
Make unlimited income
(they shake hands… Gerald leaves, Alan approaches Maria and Chris)
Alan
Hay ladies. Holler at me
Chris
I don’t want any games or nonsense, just lay me already
Alan
Where are all the real ladies at?
Maria (showing him a handful of pictures)
Check out my artwork, Angels and more! Fun and funky too
I am the brunette in the pictures
Alan (looking at the pictures)
Maria
Chris
New to
Alan
Wanna play a little?
Maria
Chris
Just relax let me do all the work you just enjoy
Alan (feeling pretty smug)
Will supply what you want
Maria
Looking for some
Chris
So?
Alan
Come get some
Maria (returning to psycho status)
Like new lawn tractor tires
Chris
Maria
Free coal!
Chris
Looking for bunk beds for two little boys
Alan (panicking and fleeing)
Looking for urban land to farm next year (he runs off)
Chris (looking glum)
Maria
Interested in forming group for piano students? (they nod enthusiastically and leave)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Bernstein Brothers at NC Stage
Another absence from blogging, things will be more active after the new year. I'm doing a few trips and working in a performance here and there, but at the moment most Bastard activities are on ice until mid-January.
However, I made it to the NC Stage production of The Bernstein Brothers Christmas Spectacular, and it was an evening well spent. There's some good laughs in this show, the long sketch that makes up most of the second half is particularly strong. There's still tickets left for the last few performances, so if you're looking for a good laugh to finish out your week, check this show out. John Crutchfield is hilarious and I hope to see him in many more shows.
An added bonus is that I think I picked the night that most people associated with theatre in Asheville decided to go. It was good to see Graham Livengood, Jenny Bunn and Julian Vorus there, and also Chall standing at the entrance like a carnival barker ringing people in.
I'm putting the finishing touches on a piece for the last No Shame of the year which is going to be this Saturday, and then I'm going to be gone for most of the next three weeks (there may be some blog updates if I find a connection or anything to write about).
However, I made it to the NC Stage production of The Bernstein Brothers Christmas Spectacular, and it was an evening well spent. There's some good laughs in this show, the long sketch that makes up most of the second half is particularly strong. There's still tickets left for the last few performances, so if you're looking for a good laugh to finish out your week, check this show out. John Crutchfield is hilarious and I hope to see him in many more shows.
An added bonus is that I think I picked the night that most people associated with theatre in Asheville decided to go. It was good to see Graham Livengood, Jenny Bunn and Julian Vorus there, and also Chall standing at the entrance like a carnival barker ringing people in.
I'm putting the finishing touches on a piece for the last No Shame of the year which is going to be this Saturday, and then I'm going to be gone for most of the next three weeks (there may be some blog updates if I find a connection or anything to write about).
Monday, November 24, 2008
Recent bastardries
I have been slack in updating the blog - non comedy projects have taken over lately and I haven't had much time to attempt to be funny. The world is the victor in all of this.
I was in Charlotte over the weekend and checked out Charlotte Comedy Theatre's improv group. They do long-form improv on Saturday nights which is definitely worth seeing, though I think they maybe had one or two members too many. They have an interesting performance space in a hallway behind a smoky bar - you can buy drinks from the bar and bring them in. Robot Johnson do shows there sometimes too and there's an open-mic night (next time I'll hand out for open mic and give them a taste of the Bastard).
I was back in Asheville on Sunday and went to see Danielson at the Grey Eagle. This was my second time seeing Danielson and they've had a few major lineup changes, but they were pretty tight and put on a really fun show. I had seen some clips online of the openers, Cryptacize online and they didn't disappoint (and their members bolstered up Danielson). There were no Cryptacize CDs left, so no additions to the You Suck set. Small crowd, but it was a weird night to have a show.
Things are quiet on the Bastard and Feral Chihuahuas front at the moment, as we're busy editing the shows from summer for some highlight shows to go out on URTV. We're targeting an Inauguration show as the next special performance, watch this space for details.
I was in Charlotte over the weekend and checked out Charlotte Comedy Theatre's improv group. They do long-form improv on Saturday nights which is definitely worth seeing, though I think they maybe had one or two members too many. They have an interesting performance space in a hallway behind a smoky bar - you can buy drinks from the bar and bring them in. Robot Johnson do shows there sometimes too and there's an open-mic night (next time I'll hand out for open mic and give them a taste of the Bastard).
I was back in Asheville on Sunday and went to see Danielson at the Grey Eagle. This was my second time seeing Danielson and they've had a few major lineup changes, but they were pretty tight and put on a really fun show. I had seen some clips online of the openers, Cryptacize online and they didn't disappoint (and their members bolstered up Danielson). There were no Cryptacize CDs left, so no additions to the You Suck set. Small crowd, but it was a weird night to have a show.
Things are quiet on the Bastard and Feral Chihuahuas front at the moment, as we're busy editing the shows from summer for some highlight shows to go out on URTV. We're targeting an Inauguration show as the next special performance, watch this space for details.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
The Simpsons made me laugh out loud
I'm still a loyal watcher, but it's not often lately that the Simpsons has seriously cracked me out, but the end of the Homer killing celebrities had me cracking up.
Homer: Is your wife up here?
Abraham Lincoln: We have an arrangement.
Abraham Lincoln puts his hand on Homer's butt.
Whoever wrote that, mega kudos - I noticed Bob Odenkirk on the writers list...
Homer: Is your wife up here?
Abraham Lincoln: We have an arrangement.
Abraham Lincoln puts his hand on Homer's butt.
Whoever wrote that, mega kudos - I noticed Bob Odenkirk on the writers list...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The greatest unibrow in history is now history...
An old friend sent me this video about a guy I used to hang out with in college. It appeared that some time in the 90s he started trimming his beard. And we used to hang out in day-glo t-shirts to deliberately piss people off. This is also some degree of proof that TV in Australia is no better than TV in the US.
Good news - I found a recent clip of Steven, and although it looks like he's cutting his hair regularly again, the unibrow is making itself seen again
Good news - I found a recent clip of Steven, and although it looks like he's cutting his hair regularly again, the unibrow is making itself seen again
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